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Is the NYC Water Board's rate schedule really so outdated? Well, would you like to know how much that 65,000-gallon steamboat will cost you this year? Your dentist's fountain cuspidor? A kidney dialysis machine? What about a milk depot? For the purpose of washing cans or bottles, each washing machine, tub or washing apparatus: $189.90.
These rates went into effect on July 1, 2006—lest you thought 1906.
If you want to know more about the history of New York City's water supply system, you can look elsewhere. Because I am only talking about 21st-century rates here. I have no intention of mentioning that Since 1842, there have been no significant interruptions of service other than brief annual shutdowns for the purpose of routine inspections during the period from 1842 to the Civil War.
Back to this rate schedule. Here's an interesting item, #54 under Other Hospital Charges: One or more autopsy tables (one charge). It's refreshing to know that multiple autopsy tables weigh in at the same price ($151.85) as Developing tank located in reception room, per faucet and Washing machine. Well, who has an autopsy table besides the Medical Examiner or the hospitals, with the possible exception of one Mr. Frank Booth in Blue Velvet? By the way, item #59, a private hydrant, runs a hospital $180.83 in annual charges. And page 24 includes coverage of ship connections: This fee is for tugboats and other vessels connecting to the City water supply on a pier, wharf of bulkhead. Sailors: please take note.
Much has been written about the Water Board and its residential customers—you know, the working people who live in outer Queens and Staten Island—who on good principle refuse to pay their water bills. Little wonder, given how ineffective the meters can be and how ineffectual the bureaucracy can be. By the way, Barge. Water for domestic use only runs $94.94 annually. Gee, how does that DEP guy out at the office in Flushing—how a pro pos to put a Water Board office in Flushing!—come up with these numbers?
Nowadays, the city plans to get tough. Because too many of you are failing to pay your bills. Section 3, Failure to Install a Meter or Remote, which commences at the bottom of page 11 (of 42), warns you that An annual surcharge will be imposed equal in amount to 100% of the last annual unmetered water charge when a Customer fails to install a meter or a remote reading device. The surcharge will be applied from July 1, 2000 until the date the installation takes place, and where a meter is installed by a private plumber, the permit for the work has been returned to DEP. In other words, if you paid zero in 1999, you will still pay zero in fiscal year 2007. And if you paid the princely sum of around twenty-five dollars in 2000, then I guess this year you would be paying $3200, not a great deal. In fact, it's probably less than getting a licensed plumber to get you a permit and to install a meter. Because adding $3200, $1600, $800, $400, $200, $100 and $50 to that original $25 makes for a grand total of $6375, or roughly $800 annually for eight years. For additional laughter, do a full document search on "unusually high"—there are 13 unlucky results in this document. Speaking of the numerologically unlucky number 13, is it pure unluckiness that paragraph 13 under Part 1 - Definitions declares: "Dishonored Check" means a check returned unpaid for any cause. As in: you phoned the bank to cancel payment after mailing it in because your rage at such a high water bill was still uncontrollable. Comment: I had an unusually high Con Edison bill last month. It was as high as July's bill, when the air conditioning was chugging away for many hours. But did I complain? Did I dishonor my check? No, because Con Ed automatically deducts my monthly payment from my checking account. There is no recourse.
Now, what if you get a huge bill that there is no way you are gonna pay? See page 42—the last page, of course. Part IX, Section 2, paragraph D 1 pertains to "Disposition of Late Payment Charges ("LPC") During the Complaint Resolution Process": Customers are advised to pay all charges and appeal afterward. Ho ho ho, did Santa Claus or the Grim Reaper write that clause? If you do not pony up, however, do beware the Water Board: During the complaint resolution process, LPC on unpaid charges continue to accrue until the charges are paid in full. Comment: Try discussing the LPC process with a 311 operator the next time insomnia or nightclub noise keeps you awake late at night. ("Hold on, let me ask my supervisor about that.") Seriously, there are lots of people—you know who you are way out there in outer Queens and Staten Island—who steadfastly refuse to pay and still want to suck water from the NYC teat. So it's no coincidence all three final paragraphs begin with If a Customer decides not to pay a charge.... Because at the Water Board, the Customer is always King, and therefore "c" always Capitalized.
In conclusion, this 42-page document is so utterly gripping and informative that one wonders whether Ben Katchor used an earlier version of it when drawing the Lake Erie Soda-Water Company's System map of New York, showing the system of high pressure soda-water pipes, public and private fountains, cisterns, eructuaries, &c. Katchor of course understood one fundamental of NYC water:
At this time in history, the population of The City of New York is close to 1,000,000 souls—each consuming an average of six glasses of soda-water each day, or 375,000 gal. of liquid. The amount of carbonated waters drawn each day from the Canadian shore of Lake Erie is approximately 100,000,000 gal. Careful investigation has revealed that 96,250,000 gal. of this precious commodity are wasted each day. How can the rational mind explain this prodigious loss of liquid wealth? By what mechanism of abuse does the average soda-water drinker discard a quantity of beverage equal to that which he consumes? Subscribers who are not on the meter system have been known to let their tap "run" until the soda-water reaches the temperature of a chilled drink. They have no regard for the fact that thousands of dollars in capital improvements to the entire system are worn-down by heedless "running" of their tap. If the present wastage of soda-water is not curtailed, through educational or compulsory means, the Great Lake Erie will be drained dry in the next hundred years. [...] What is the future of carbonated water in our great metropolis? Can the Federal government be called upon to underwrite the pleasures of a few well-to-do New Yorkers?
Tags:
carbonated water, con ed, horse trough, water board
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Posted on 1/26/2007
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