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April 30, 2007
OPINION OF THE DAY:
People who oppose gun control should be shot.
OK, to be a bit more rational about it....this should not even be a debate. It should be a fiat, a decree, a"no duh" dictum. Regular citizens should not be able to buy guns. Period. If they want a gun for hunting, fine. They pass an exhaustive battery of tests for the licensing of a rifle. But no handguns for regular citizens. and no semi-automatic weapons for any conceivable reason. Guns kill people. Stop selling guns and fewer people will be killed. End of story. After a massacre in Scotland, guns were made illegal. Result: no more massacres and a significantly reduced murder rate. There are no more crazy murderous people in america than there are anywhere else. There are just more craz murderous people with guns. Without a gun--let alone two semi-automatic weapons--the lunatic at Virginia Tech stabs one person and then is wrestled to the ground. I read in the NYT today that since the murders of RFK and MLK, one million americans have been killed with firearms. And that the same number of people killed in the V-Tech horror are killed by handguns in America every four days. Anyone who invokes the "right to bear arms" argument to oppose the most stringent kind of gun control is at best intellectually dishonest and at worst (and in all likelihood) a hateful aider and abettor to murder. The right to bear arms was proclaimed so that people could join the militia or defend themselves on the frontier. Not so they could kill people in suburbia or the inner city. It was declared at a time when blacks were not considered citizens and women did not have the right to vote. Do the NRA/anti gun control folk defend those basic principles of our constitution as well? Oops, bad question. I take that back. Or rather: I rest my case. There is no argument here. After careful consideration, i return to my previous assessment:
People who oppose gun control should be shot.
(Point blank. With the hollow point truth.)
STUNNING CONTRAST OF THE DAY:
I listened today to this NPR report called Habeas Schmabeas: An expose of some of the the kafkaesque nightmares that have taken place in the last few years at Guantanamo bay. One of the stories focused on a a young Pakistani comedy writer who was mistakenly held as a terrorist and subjected to countless abuses and indignities over 4 years before being released without apology as a NLEC (no longer enemy combatant) when in fact he was a NWEC (never was an enemy combatant). He had spent some time in America as a college student at Old Dominion and had visited Disneyworld in Orlando and gone to Daytona Beach for Spring Break. I couldn't stop thinking about the mind-boggling contrast between his experience in the carefully controlled fantasy of Disney World and his experience in the carefully controlled nightmare of Guantanamo Bay. It's the kind of thing novels, plays, Beaudrillardian theories and, of course, blog entries are built on.
LFAQs of the Day:
Is it just me or does anyone else get the vague sense that Adam Gopnik (a writer too artful by a hair) shows every piece he writes to his mother and says "Mommy, mommy look at what I made today! Look at my perfectly formed, artfully sculpted stool." ? (Note: I never get that feeling when I read something Hendrick Hertzberg writes.)
Is there any writing surface on earth more densely covered than the arms and neck of an African-American NBA guard?
Why do cats--given their oft demonstrated ability to lick their own genitalia--never undermine the reproductive intent of nature's call by pleasuring themselves when they're in heat? Are they still awaiting the first feline Onan? Or is it perhaps the cruelty of the sandpaper tongue--designed to be perfect for cleaning but not for sensory gratification? How cruel...to be able to reach one's genitalia with one's tongue...only to discover that it is not in any way pleasurable. Ahhh...the sandpaper tongue...proof of intelligent (if malevolent) design!
ADVERTISING COMMENT OF THE DAY:
Let me begin by giving props to my friend Jurgen who left me the following brief voicemail which could certainly qualify as "Voicemail of the Day."
"Charles Barkely, Dwayne Wade, TV commercial, tight shorts, lollipop...i eagerly await your comments."
Thanks to Jurgen and his acute sensitivity to all matters homo-erotic, my attention was brought to this remarkable little commercial.
Yes, Jurgen, that new Wade/Barkely ad for Cingular is pretty gay. the two of them alone in some screening room watching tapes of a fit, firm young Charles Barkely playing ball and Wade, licking a large lollipop, commenting on how remarkable it is that the round mound of rebound stuffed his ass into those tight little shorts. Is this some statement of solidarity with John Amaechi? is this what the whole series of entertaining Wade/Barkely commercials has been about all along! Is THAT why those two dudes have been spending so much time alone together? Is the desire of one to get into the other's "five" really just code for wanting to get into the other's pants? Or is it just the little comedic brain fart of some idle homophobic quipster copywriter? Probably the latter. But far more pleasurable to read it as the former.
P.S. OF THE DAY:
I don't know if it's relevant to the above or not, but Jurgen wore boxers instead of shorts during our Wednesday night basketball game last week. And this made a lot of the guys rather uncomfortable.
DESCRIPTION OF THE DAY:
Z'baby. Home of the $74 dollar baby t-shirt and $86 dollar baby sneakers. A shrine to upper west side disposal income and displaced parental narcissism.
CONCEPT OF THE DAY:
Market-tested breakthrough ideas.
RESTAURANT REVIEW OF THE DAY:
Ate at Telepan the other night. The food was so good and there was so much audible (and vaguely sexual sounding) expressions of delight at the table, that I imagined the following exchange:
-Come here often.
-Yes. About three times per meal.
OBSERVATION OF THE DAY:
Been watching a discovery show on the evolution of domestic dogs. Evidently, man didn't domesticate wolves to become dogs. The wolves domesticated themselves. Once men ended their nomadic ways and started to settle in stable communities, some wolves realized that these human villages were reliable sources of food. And so they just hung around...until they got adopted. In essence, dogs are just lazy wolves. Wolves who don't want to hunt. Or maybe just smarter wolves. Wolves who've found a way to get someone else to do their hunting for them.
RANDOM SINGLE SENTENCE PORTRAIT OF THE DAY:
He didn't only triple check the door when he locked it; he triple checked it when he opened it.
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Posted on 4/30/2007
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April 23, 2007
MOTTO OF THE DAY:
Never trust an evangelist.
But in particular never trust an evangelist who --on a sunny day--prostelitzes in the shade.
DEFINITION OF THE DAY:
Politician. One who wants to politicize an issue when it's expedient to do so and rhetorically transcend politics when it's not.
P.S. OF THE DAY:
This observation was occasioned by Bush's claim--during his appearance at Virginia Tech-- that now was not the time to debate gun control. That there would be plenty of time for that. But now was a time for healing and prayer; for unity rather than division. Meanwhile I fully expect him to respond to this horror in the same tactically inane, causally irrelevant way that he did in attacking Iraq after 9/11. I expect him not to endorse gun control but rather to declare a war on knives. Or maybe a moratorium on higher education so there can be no more bloodbaths on college campuses.
QUOTE OF THE DAY:
"The government may use its voice and its regulatory authority to show its profound respect for the life within the woman." - Justice Anthony Kennedy.
But not the life of the woman.
There is a profound regard for all life in utero but a curious disregard for all life ex utero.
POLITICAL PHENOMENON OF THE DAY: Bush gives Gonzalez a "Brownie"
Ah, the damning insult of a George W. Bush vote of confidence: ""This is an honest, honorable man, in whom I have confidence," Bush said. Joined Brownie. Begs question of which is a greater damnation: High praise from Cheney (Rumsfeld, Libby) or from Bush (Brownie, Gonzalez)? And why are they always in the position of having to praise their embattled appointees' characters?!? Bush has the judgement of a drunk. A recovered born again drunk. But a drunk nonetheless. A drunk turned true believer. Another interesting feature of the Bush presidency is the fact that he cannot deal with open conflict or disagreement. He can only speak in front of the military or at republican fundraisers. He can only preach to the choir. He can only appear in public at solemn and grave moments like Virgina Tech where one can speak some solemn words about uniting rather than dividing only to return to his divisive, dishonest and largely surreptitious practices.
AWKWARD MOMENT OF THE DAY:
A guy is with his girlfriend at a horror movie. At the key terrifying moment, she instinctively grabs hold of his arm and he instincitvely clutches the arm of the complete stranger beside him.
NEOLOGISMS OF THE DAY:
Interpretate.
Adiposeur. (A plus-sized pretentious person).
CARTOON WITHOUT ILLUSTRATION OF THE DAY:
Sorry, the day/week/month/year/decade/era/lifetime got away from me.
DECLARATION OF THE DAY:
It's always the quiet ones you have to worry about. Which means no one has to worry about me.
DESCRIPTION OF THE DAY:
Her island accent had a strange mix of solicitousness and condescension, of langorousness and stress.
MARKETING OBSERVATION OF THE DAY:
Simply by dint of it's name, Eckerdt Drug stores is simply never gonna beat out CVS or Duane Reade. Eckerdt is just not the name of a retail winner. It's the Dukakis of pharmacies.
NEW TAGLINE OF THE DAY:
Eckerdt. The Dukakis of pharmacies.
JUXTAPOSITION OF THE DAY:
Adjacent bars. One in which it looks like everyone is celebrating a promotion. The other in which everyone is being consoled for a firing.
REJECTED AD IDEAS OF THE DAY: (With apologies in advance).
I was charged with writing a headline for U.S. Cellular--a midwestern wireless company--for ad space they had previously bought in the Virginia Tech college newspaper. The following are the selected ad and the three runner ups.
No words can express what we feel.
Unlimited incoming calls…so your parents can call every five minutes as they are surely now going to do from here until the second you graduate and really can you possibly, possibly blame them?!?!?
It would be insensitive, opportunistic and in bad taste to offer heartfelt condolences, since we don't know you or the deceased personally-so we'd like instead to take this opportunity to tastefully remind you about our terrific 30 Day Commitment-free Trial! Take us up on it today…cause you never know how long you have.
F-cking Koreans.
PROPOSED "CONGRATULATIONS ON BECOMING A PARENT" CARD OF THE DAY:
Congratulations on the magnificent extension of your narcissism.
DESCRIPTOR OF THE DAY
Dairy retarded. Describing one's cognitive state after the consumption of a milk shake.
ACTIVITIES OF THE DAY:
Whining and opining.
ONTOLOGICAL OBSERVATION OF THE DAY:
Outside the contingent determinants of history and identity, outside the resolutely persistent human narrative, it is always the same light lighting the same day.
POETIC FRAGMENT OF THE DAY: (adapted from the overheard)
Ambivalence and Desire
I'm gonna beat you with kisses,
honeybitch.
LYRIC OF THE DAY:
"Never never gonna quit cause quittin just ain't my schtick."--as sung by the late great Barry White. Always something funny about a black guy using a yiddish expression. Sort of reminds me of all the black guys at the Williams BBQ chicken on the Upper West Side who had been trained by the old Jewish guys in the store and had sort of adopted their accent by osmosis.
NEW UPCOMING FEATURES OF THE DAY: (Stay tuned!)
Title for an autobiography i will never write.
Fragments for a poem i will never write.
Idea for a business i will never start.
CONCEPT FOR A SHORT STORY I WILL NEVER WRITE.
A man goes out to lunch from his office. And never returns. Standing in a lunch line, he makes a decision to radically change his life forever.
MOVIE COMMENT OF THE DAY:
Finally saw The Departed. Great performances (except for the self caricature by Jack Nicholson) and compelling story line (can't believe the symmetrical undercover/rat plot had never been done before) undermined by an unconvincing and sloppily conceived ending. Plot and plausibility holes so big Leonardo De Caprio's ego could drive right through them.
OENOPHILE'S BUMPER STICKER OF THE DAY:
Merlot will outlive Paul Giammati
LFAQ of the DAY:
Why has no one come out with hockey sneakers?
PRODUCT IDEA OF THE DAY:
A Cheney wind-up bulldog. It repeats the same three things. Plus it growls and barks.
EXCHANGE OF THE DAY:
The Perils of Geriatric Fatherhood.
-What are you up to?
-Oh, I'm at Costco...picking up diapers and liquid formula and stuff.
-Well, make sure to get something for the baby too.
DESCRIPTION OF THE DAY #2:
His discourse had no continuity. He started each sentence as if it were a jump cut from the preceding one. He came across in real time as a poorly edited film of himself.
A-ROD OBSERVATION OF THE DAY:
A-Rod: thriving in unconcealment--to get all Heideggarean about it. Actually happy for him. At this rate, Barry Bonds better hit his next 16 homers pretty quickly or else A-Rod may break Hammerin' Hank's record before he does.
To stop waxing Heidegarean about it and to start waxing all armchair Freudian about it, I think his crisis is that he was never properly fathered and he has now essentially fathered himself via the truth. Coming out of denial was hard and brave but it gave him the kind of self esteem and grit that fully fathered men have and oedipal escapees often lack.
STUNNING BROADCAST MOMENT OF THE DAY: (Although it happened over 40 years ago).
I recently saw the documentary about the fight in which Emile Griffith killed Bernie Paret in the boxing ring and the effect it had on his life. During the live post fight interview (I believe it was the first televised fight ever), they showed Griffith a replay of the vicious sequence of punches that knocked out (and will turn out to have killed) Paret. The sportscaster--with the unconscious and unresponsive Paret lying just feet away-- asks Griffith to "Take us through the knockout" and then pauses to remark on the "terrific camera work." Here a man is being murdered before our very eyes and his unconsious body is lying just out of frame and the adrenalized announcer is lavishly extolling the camera work. Really stunning to witness, with the clarity of hindsight, the cruel dramatic irony of that moment.
SINGLE SENTENCE RANDOM PORTRAIT OF THE DAY:
She liked to mock symmetry. And symmetry gladly returned the favor.
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Posted on 4/23/2007
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April 14, 2007
RACIAL COMMENTARY OF THE DAY: The I-MESS Etc.
OK, I’ve been besieged by work and oral surgery etc. but a few quick thoughts on the Imus mess are in order.
First off: He’s been making a living being a nasty insensitive shock-jock asshole for decades. Why drag him onto the carpet now?
Well, I think it was partly a function of the dazzlingly efficient offensiveness of his words. Indeed, with five memorable syllables he managed to viciously insult blacks, women and, in an implicit sense, lesbians—since many women’s basketball players are openly gay. In addition, his inane slur didn’t target the usual cast of public figures (world weary politicians and celebrities) but rather targeted young and innocent protagonists in a major cultural feel good story. He took these young women --who were not in the public eye and, as such, were sort of discursively off limits--and he just gratuituously pissed on their parade. But whatever. I don’t feel like getting too analytical about the perfect storm of factors that led to his demise. The guy is a pompous and unpleasant asshole and will not be missed. The only great misfortune is that we have to hear more more from the opportunistic infection that is Al “Tawana Brawley” Sharpton.
(Actually, hell with that. I’ve come to sort of like the shameless self-promoting bastard ever since his refreshing addition to the 2004 Democratic candidate debates.)
I did find it noteworthy however that when the Rutgers team had their big press conference, the main spokewomen were a stunningly beautiful caucasian woman (Heather Zurich) and a black teammate with perfectly straightened hair. Not a nappy head in sight! I wonder if that was by design? Wouldn’t it have been better to have an articulate Afro-headed woman respond to the gratuitously asinine comments than to relegate the Afro-featured members of the team to non speaking roles? Just struck me as subtly reinforcing the racism of the offending comments.
Or perhaps I'm mistaken. Perhaps all of the girls on the team in fact spoke at the conference but the media reinforced the anti African-American bias by selecting only the straight haired black girl and the beautiful white girl in their news reports on the assumption that they were more telegenic.
In either event: Not good.
Another interesting thing to note is the strange synchronicity between this story and the dropping of charges against the Duke Lacrosse players. There is a complex and interesting symmetry in the two scandals: In the one, a prominent white man commits a racially motivated (verbal) assault against black girls on a college sports team in the other the priviledged white members of a college sports team are cleared of charges that they committed a racially motivated (physical) assault against black girls.
One is tempted to make more of this than one should. Or at least I am tempted. But let it suffice to say that taken in their painful and untidy totality, the two cases suggest simply that race continues to be a highly charged, inadequately addressed and completely unresolved issue in America—as it has been since the founding of our nation.
Add to this the 60th anniversary of Jackie Robinson’s crossing the color line and you’ve got a nice little snapshot of race relations in America.
HEALING IDEA OF THE DAY:
You know if might be cool to have a charity event in which the Rutgers women's b-ball team plays the Duke men's lacrosse team in some neutral third sport--with the proceeds going to some inter-racial enlightenment organization. Obviously it would have to be clearly established that neither ethnic slurs nor rape allegations would be allowed.
LFAQs:
How many people are unconsciously singing Stevie Wonder’s “Looking back on when I was a little nappy-headed boy/Then my only worry was for Christmas what would be my toy?” as a result of this Imus story?
How soon before human beings are capable of creating designer weathers?
RACIALLY UNFORTUNATE ANECDOTE OF THE DAY:
A man with his little daughter at a street corner in NYC, waiting for the light to change. When the light finally changes to the familiar NYC crossing icon, he tells the girl “There’s the white man. Now, it’s safe.” --an utterance which is unfortunately timed to coincide with the approach of a group of black—and understandably taken aback—people.
RACIAL/CULTURAL P.S. OF THE DAY:
Someone on the NYT Op-Ed page today made the excellent point that while the Imus slur evoked lots of fully understandable and justifiable outrage, Ann Coulter's repeated slurs against Muslims have only earned her more appearances on TV. The writer claimed that as a practical rather than a moral matter this was terribly unsettling, since if anything Muslim/Judeo-Christian relations were even more volatile than black/white relations and that the fault line between the two cultures was even more likely to open up into a chasm.
So in the interests of managing that fault line with a little more sensitivity and of elevating the inter-cultural discourse in general, let me take this opportunity to say to Ann Coulter "Shut the f-ck up, you ugly bitch."
INANITY OF THE DAY:
I am filling out the medical and dental history questionairre at my new dentist's office. The form offers "Yes", "no" and "DK" (Dont Know) as the options. First question: "Do you wear contact lenses?" A DK here would be very concerning.
Incidentally, when I write my profession on these medical forms, it always feels like I'm talking about someone else. More and more so now with my name and birth date too.
(Transcen)DENTAL MEDITATION OF THE DAY:
In the dentist's chair. Listening to the office chatter. The air filled with shop talk. Professional jargon. Occlusal amalgams and the like. The esteem-lifting function of specialized vocabularies. The enworlding effect of sub languages. As I drift out of my chair under the influence of anaesthesia, I think of how John Lennon was shot across the street and, about how that personal tragedy seems quaint now in the face of the impersonal disaster of 9/11. Of a different era--when individual stories still mattered. Or at least mattered more.
QUOTE OF THE DAY:
" We just soldiered on, in grim determination to procrastinate."
CULTURAL SYMPTOM OF THE DAY:
A popular new online video game called “Kill Yourself in 5 Mintues” in which office workers try to end their lives as quickly as possible. It is interesting to think about how much real work time is wasted in pursuit of virtual office suicide.
RECOMBINANT LINGUISTIC FELICITY OF THE DAY:
“I’m just messing with your leg.”
TEMPORAL CATEGORY OF THE DAY:
Now-ish
DEFINITION OF THE DAY:
Bone structure: The genetic determinant of how much shit we’re willing to put up with.
TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH WHICH I REGARD WITH SOME AMBIVALENCE OF THE DAY:
The ability to watch the Darfur Genocide on Google Maps.
PHENOMENON OF THE DAY:
The false bottom. As in the market thinking it has created a bottom from which to build upon, only for the floor to give way again in another round of panic selling. As in: My dentist, having warned me that the decay in my tooth might go all the way down to the root and hence necessitate a root canal telling me, mid drilling that it was looking like we had caught a lucky break and the decay did not in fact go that deep…only to change his tune moments later..with an “Oops…there’s a bit of the nerve exposed.”
POSSIBLE NEW NAME FOR THE BLOG OF THE DAY (If I started getting more comments!):
Textual Intercourse.
TAGLINE OF THE DAY:
Made with real cheese in mind.
MOVIE COMMENT OF THE DAY. (Contains partial spoilers)
Saw "The Lives of Others." Even though I saw the book tribute ending coming, I was still deeply moved by the intimate anonymity of the gesture. Its coded gratitude was much more emotionally satisfying than anything that could have ever been expressed face to face.
The writer actor--a cross between Pierce Brosnan and Bruno Ganz--was a bit too mannered and pretty for the role. The actress--a lovely blend of Angelica Houston and Julianne Moore--was quite good. The thematics: A bit too clean and pat. But the movie overall was quite affecting—largely because of the remarkably nuanced performance (and wonderfully expressive eyes) of the surveillance guy protagonist. It has really stayed with me.
RANDOM SINGLE SENTENCE PORTRAIT OF THE DAY:
He was open to anything except certainty.
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April 04, 2007
(LAS) VEGAS-INSPIRED POETIC FRAGMENT OF THE DAY:
He sits in the orchid lounge
reflecting on
the atmosphere of heightened possibility,
the impersonality of chance
and the little corpuscles of narrative who pour, pulsing with desire, into the unreal city.
His friends, he tells himself, will be arriving soon.
(LAS) VEGAS-INSPIRED OBSERVATION OF THE DAY:
Those who dismiss Las Vegas as tawdry and meaningless are only half right. It is tawdry, but it is not meaningless. Stripped of its bells an whistles and seen through the essential eye, Vegas is an invitation into the eternal present where your life --or something claiming to be it --is always ready to begin.
PEEVE OF THE DAY:
The insuffereble umlauts in the New Yorker--to clarify the pronunciation of, say, the second e in "reexamine" or "reeducate." As if people didn't know how those words were to be pronounced without it. They might as well always qualify Yale as Yale University --lest people think they're talking about the lock. It's an aesthetic offense equal and opposite to the ignorant solecism or egregious mispronunciation or--for that matter-- idle tabloid gossip story. Just bad news all around town. And worse of all: I'm not even convinced an umlaut is the proper auditory indicator here. Shouldn't it be the schwa sound or something? Anyhow, Lame. No more than lame. Let's make that Lamé (La-MAY).
T-SHIRT IDEA OF THE DAY:
Tall, dark and handsome. Well 0 out of 3 ain't bad.
HAT IDEA OF THE DAY:
No Hair Day.
IMAGE OF THE DAY:
Old phone numbers lodged like depth markers in the archeological substrate of the mind.
WISH I HAD MY CAMERA MOMENT OF THE DAY:
The "No Photographs" sign in front of the Jeff Wall Photography exhibit at MOMA.
REVELATION OF THE DAY:
There are lots of drunk loud people in Vegas at night.
SONG OF THE DAY:
"Empire" by David Byrne. Gorgeous melody disguising the quasi fascist nature of the lyrics--which are essentially a hymn to capital, strength and the state. Both an exercise in and an ironic commentary on the power of musical seduction.
HYPOCRISY OF THE DAY:
Between failing to give them adequate armour, the disastrous conditions at Walter Reed and the decision to put them in harm's way unnecessarily to begin with, it is apparent that no one respects and supports the troops less than Bush and his administration.
INAUSPICIOUS SIGN OF THE DAY:
Moving men and dead roses at your new dentist’s office.
FRAGMENT OF THE DAY:
Something cold seemed to have entered the room, like the distance that's revealed by a secret.
CONCEPT OF THE DAY:
Predatory helpfulness. (Inspired by recent publicity about predatory loans and descriptive of a behavior that is virtually pandemic in contemporary capitalist culture.)
BUSH BASH OF THE DAY:
Bush and the arrogant inane insult of the no oath, no transcript interview. Close cousin of the non binding resolution and the no vows wedding.
The Bush administration: Not truth. But the assertion of truth. Not justice but the simulation of justice.
Untruth, injustice and un-American Way.
Blah blah blah blah
Rant nipped in the bud.
AD COMMENT OF THE DAY:
A Hartford Mutual Commercial claims:
We don't know when childhood officially ends. But we know that it
begins again when you retire.
Yeah, cause you need diapers.
MUSICAL COMMENT OF THE DAY:
There are certain oceans of loss that demand to be filled with sound. At such times, I turn to Sigur Ros, Eno, Bach or some such. Pure musics without meaning. As much as I love the offerings of my favorite bands or singer songwriters, when the chips are down I don't want to hear words.
DESECRATIONS OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT OF THE DAY:
American Idol
Donald Trump
Jim Cramer
Bush/Cheney/Rove
Robin Williams
Melismatics
James Dolan
Bush/Cheney/Rove
Bush/Cheney/Rove
Bush/Cheney/Rove
Donald Trump
DANGLING CLAUSE OF THE DAY:
....as slow as a Duane Reade checkout line.
RANDOM SINGLE SENTENCE PORTRAIT OF THE DAY:
He was the weak and not so silent type.
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