Blog
August 30, 2006
PIC OF THE DAY:
This was on the wall at the Natural History Museum but, of course, described the entire museum, the entire city outside the museum and pretty much all of human life as we know it. One of the many compelling things I saw in the Mammal Theater that day was a little kid running around the museum halls with a T-shirt that read "It's my brother's fault."
PROPOSED BAND NAME OF THE DAY/REPURPOSING ACT OF THE DAY:
Mammal Theater
QUOTE OF THE DAY:
"The loudest sound in the world is 23,000 quiet New Yorkers."
-Andre Agassi.
TEDDY VEGAS BRANDED QUESTION OF THE DAY: (INTERACTIVE FEATURE OF THE DAY).
Rank 'em from most to least incompetent:
A) The Boulder DA's department
B) The New York Knicks' Management
C) The Bush Administration.
MEDIA QUESTION OF THE DAY:
Which was a greater abdication of journalistic responsibility: All the uncritical coverage of this Karr creep or the uncritical reporting leading up to the Iraq War?
SIGN OF THE DAY/WISH I HAD MY CAMERA MOMENT OF THE DAY
In Aisle 3 in Duane Reade:
Bath
Deodorant
Blades
Ethnic
CONCEPT OF THE DAY:
Pre-emptive defensive attack.
ARTICLE OF THE DAY:
In this week's New Yorker, there's an interesting article about this famous Harvard psychologist Something Spelkes and her attempts to prove that certain categories of cognition are innate rather than learned. She did a lot of experiments with infants..to show that--contrary to the Paigetian notion that object constancy (the knowledge that objects persists in fixed positions in space even when we are not observing them) only develops after 24-36 months of experience--babies do in fact come into the world with a certain innate, hard-wired sense of the world's geometry. Anyhow, there was one experiment (created and conducted by her mentor) in which a baby is encouraged to crawl off a trompe l'oiel glass cliff that is laid over a patterned floor. The babies evidently stopped short of the transparent fake cliff--a result that is claimed to prove that babies have innate depth perception or at least have depth perception from the time they are capable of locomotion. Anyhow, that's not what struck me. What struck me (after a friend who had actually taken a class with this Psychologist pointed it out to me) was the fact that the babies were encouraged to crawl across an apparent abyss by their clapping and encouraging mothers. It was so absurdly cruel and perversely funny and, while apparently resolving the issue of infantile depth perception, would certainly seem to be a source of future trust issues. And then I thought...isn't that really what parents inevitably have to do at some point as agents of our development--coax us smilingly and lovingly across an apparent abyss. An abyss you don't know is traversable and negotiable until you cross it and, looking back in horror, think. " I crossed that thing.?!?!?" Anyhow, whether that image resonates in some deep way or not, it certainly merits--at the risk, nay the certainty, of redundancy-- the status of our...
IMAGE OF THE DAY/SECOND REPURPOSING ACT OF THE DAY:
A mother smilingly encouraging her infant to crawl to her from across the other side of an apparent abyss.
THEME OF THE DAY:
Stretching the material.
NON-SPORTS QUESTION OF THE DAY:
If a picture is worth a thousand words, then how many words is a picture of a word worth?
RANDOM SINGLE SENTENCE PORTRAIT OF THE DAY:
He had a highly refined sense of thwarted grandiosity.
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Posted on 8/30/2006
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August 29, 2006
SCANDAL OF THE DAY:
Barry Manilow beating out Stephen Colbert for best entertainer at the EMMYs.
Note: That while the cameras were all over Colbert as he graciously hugged Jon Stewart on his less than fully deserved award, the camera operators knew better than to give us Colbert's reaction upon being snubbed in favor of Mr. Mandy. I am sure he is not a good enough actor to have disguised his dismay. Curiously, however, the trauma of losing to Barry Manilow seems--by some strange conversion hysteria or identfication with the oppressor--to have turned Mr. Colbert temporarily gay. Photo evidence above.
FRUSTRATION OF THE DAY:
That Colbert made his dismay at losing to Mr. Mandy explicit while presenting the reality TV show award with Jon Stewart hence making my aforementioned (and stubbornly undeleted) perception irrelevant. By turning misfortune into comedy by the alchemy of candor, Stephen Colbert stole my perceptual thunder and for that I---I---I just admire him all the more! Bastard.
COMEDY OF THE DAY:
The fact that this clown Howie Mandel seems so satisfied with himself for being nothing more than a game show host. (Not even a glorified game show host). This is what is wrong with and wonderful about our society--that people can evince brazen self-importance for doing virtually nothing. He was strutting around the stage like the Paris Hilton of men. (Although, actually, that creepy guy Simon Cowell more nearly approximated the dazzlingly shameless, preternaturally exhibitionistic, famous-for-nothing heiress by appearing with his shirt (warning: disturbing and graphic content to follow) almost entirely un-buttoned .)
It would be as if Carrot Top thought he was the swaggering shit not in spite of doing those inane 1-800-COLLECT commercials but precisely because he had done them.
PROFOUNDLY UN EMMY-LIKE MOMENT OF THE NIGHT:
When the annual memorial honor roll of the dear and departed ended with Richard Pryor saying "See you next week" and then being shut behind bars and not being able to get out--the bars now echoing with the unnegotiable finality of death, the force that separates forever and absolutely.
QUESTION OF THE DAY:
Now that the John Mark Karr creep is being let go (based on a DNA mismatch), can Karl Rove sue him for breach of contract?
QUOTE OF THE DAY: (By my brother who is visiting from Prague with his Czech -speaking kids.)
"Ah it's music to my ears to hear them fighting in English."
ANECDOTE OF THE DAY:
My brother's son Daniel is a huge Mets fan and (largely for reasons of his name, I suspect) Lastings Milledge is his favorite player. Anyhow out of innocent enthusiasm, Daniel made a do-rag sporting monkey doll with a Lastings Milledge number 44 jersey that he wanted to bring to Shea in honor of his favorite player. Needless to say, I had to have a little avuncular sit down with him--in which I initiated him into the hard realities of racial perceptions and sensitivity. I think the Howard Cossell "That little monkey sure can run" story got the point across. Daniel seemed a bit crushed by the sordid fallen-ness of the adult world, but he understood. We made a brief effort to refashion the skull capped monkey doll into another lighter-skinned player's likeness, but it was too hard to turn the 44 into a 5 for David Wright. And, besides, it just didn't look like David Wright as much as it looked like Lastings Milledge.
IMPRESSIONS FROM A NIGHT AT SHEA:
Friday night, I went out to Shea with my brother and his son (sans Lastings doll) and was struck by a few things:
How strange it is that they started playing "Sweet Caroline" to get everyone in a sad, emotional light FM mood in the 8th inning down a run--as if preparing us for the inevitability of defeat. The consolations of ballad versus the rousing spur of anthem or chant. It felt like a late 1970s or early 1980s Mets concession--rather than the battle cry one might expect from a team that's 30 games over .500 team.
With Shawn Green on the team, the promotional possibilities are dizzying. Mets Yarmulke night. Find the Afikomen night. Payus whatever you want night (aka Haggle night aka Jew Us Down Night)---on which you can negotiate your ticket price. Oy. The ideas just write themselves.
FANCY HOMELESS ADDRESS OF THE DAY:
" I live just off Central Park West. Yeah, just east of it."
DREAM FRAGMENT OF THE DAY:
In one dream I had to pee. In one I had to cry. I guess I was filled with fluids last night.
HUMBLING EXPERIENCE OF THE DAY:
Walking around The Museum of Natural History and Central Park with my 10 and 8 year old nephew and neice and two women over 60 years old (my cousin and my mother) and being by far the most exhausted and sore of the crew. Granted, standing and walking are not really my things. I'm pretty much a sitting and running kind of a guy. But still. No excuse. A shameful display of unvigorousness.
MOVIE THOUGHT OF THE DAY:
While I really liked "Little Miss Sunshine", I'm glad I saw it a few weeks ago. It'd be kind of creepy to see it now--as our perceptions of little girl beauty pageants have gone from the tacky to the tragic with the re-emergence of the whole JonBenet media circus.
ANECDOTE OF THE DAY #2:
Lester and the White Sox and the Coma.
I just heard a great story about my grand uncle Lester who was a life long Chicago White Sox fan and, late in life, a part owner of the team. In his 70s, after some heart surgery, he fell into a coma for about 6 weeks. Everyone assumed he'd never come out of it. One night they left him in the room to get dinner and his son suggested they leave the White Sox game on TV to keep him company. When the son returned, he noticed that his father had returned to consciousness and was muttering "God damn White Sox"
DREAM FRAGMENT OF THE DAY #2:
Something about a Jew who's a closet Muslim and a Muslim who's a closet Jew.
RELIGIOUS OBSERVATION OF THE DAY:
The beauty of Judaism, is that it understands the primacy of the question over the answer. Life is all about the act of questioning: This is true on both the philosophical plane ("Why is There Something Instead of Nothing", "Why did you do all these things for us G-D, when you could have just done one or two?" etc.) and on the more pedestrian plane:
When does this go on sale?
Where is your supervisor?
Do you want to hear from my attorney?
RELIGIO-POLITICAL OBSERVATION OF THE DAY:
Observation on Katherine Harris and the separation of church and state. Evidently, she claimed that "the spearation of church and state is a lie" and the founding fathers "never intended us to be ruled by secular laws." In doing so she was merely making explicit what many if not most religious right wing Republicans believe to be the case--confirming that the differences between Islam and much of America are not so great as we'd like to think and that the description of this battle of civilizations as a holy war are not so far fetched.
IRAQ GOOD NEWS ITEM OF THE DAY:
No Shia, Sunni or Kurd leader questioned the separation of church and state today.
LITERARY COMMENT OF THE DAY:
Richard Ford. A very good, accomplished novelist. A very fine writer. But much like Updike, he seems entirely too well constituted by the terms of adult, socially-defined reality for me to really connect with and be moved by his characters. In a story of his in this week's New Yorker, his protagonist talks a lot about things having a "second marriage" feeling. Well, he seems too perfectly second marriage in his sensibilities for me. There is nothing raw and primal and inchoate. He seems so well defended, shaped, defined, so saturated and determined by real world relations and responsibilities--Just so freaking normal and solid and adult. The first time I read one of his books, I felt it was good for me to be in the presence of a sort of smart, sort of likable, very normal guy for a few weeks. It was like some kind of a moral corrective. Some taking of the literary cure. Some kind of a retroactive smart guy fraternity experience I never had. I still sort of feel that way. He's just too well constituted an America guy for me--but I do sort of feel he's good for me in a kind of medicinal way. Again, I recognize this is no knock on him. And perhaps (if one is looking to knock) it's a knock on me.
CARTOON WITHOUT ILLUSTRATION OF THE DAY:
A guy who's just seen his baseball team blow a big opportunity on TV. He pauses, takes a deep breath and then says the following mantra to himself aloud.
GUY: Perspective, perspective, perspective.
And then, after a brief pause, he puts his fist through the table.
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Posted on 8/29/2006
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August 25, 2006
COSMOLOGICAL REFLECTION OF THE DAY: ON THE DEPLANETIZATION OF PLUTO:
Weird. Sort of like finding out there are 6 continents. Or Five vestal Virgins. Or 11 months. Or one testicle. The fundament has been shaken.
Damn, just when I was finally beginning to feel at home in the universe.
SUGGESTED TRIBUTE OF THE DAY:
Ways to honor the death/demotion of Pluto:
Wear black.
Be cold and distant.
Snub your smallest friend and tell him or her that he or she is no longer officially a friend.
QUOTE OF THE DAY:
“I, like, cry when I listen to it, it’s so good.”
-Paris Hilton giving her opinion of her own CD
QUESTION OF THE DAY:
Given the suspicion-inducing perfect timing of this media distraction, it's reasonable to ask: Is this creepy John Mark Karr guy Karl Rove's most brilliant brain child(molester) yet?
CULTURAL OBSERVATION OF THE DAY:
No one has ever taken steroids and no one has ever made a mistake in Iraq.
REFLECTION ON LOVE OF THE DAY:
This creepy John Mark Karr guy says he loved JonBenet very very much. OJ says he loved Nicole very very much. Bush and Bin Laden say they love God and his Creation very very much. Enough with the love already. Enough.
ARTICLES OF THE DAY:
Great article by Frank Rich on the ever decreasing efficacy of the Cheney-Rove scare tactics. The attempt to associate all criticism of the government with a lack of seriousness about terrorism is growing old. As is the absurd, spurious connection between support of the War in Iraq and support on the War on terror. In fact, in most instances, the opposition to the former is based on the convitction that it is undermining rather than aiding in the latter. In other words, it's based on an excess rather than a deficit of concern about terrorism. Anyhow, the diminishing effectiveness of the Cheney-Rove scare machine is an interesting reminder that Orwellian logic and a dishonest politics of intimidation will never be as durable as a politics based on truth. Cheney, Bush and Rove are--at the very very very least--brittle, unimaginative, ideological dinosaurs whose reaction to the polyheaded hydra of disseminated Islamic terrorism has been remarkably uninspired. Logically, the claim "If you're serious about fighting al qaeda and the terrorist forces that hit us on 9/11 then you must stay the course in Iraq" has as much truth value as saying "If you're serious about fighting al qaeda and the terrorist forces that hit us on 9/11, you must root for the Yankees." One of the weekly magazines has the question "What if 9/11 never happened?" on its cover. It's also interesting to ask the less starkly provocative question: How would the world be different right now if the war against al qaeda had not been hijacked by the War against Iraq?
Also in the NYT: David Foster Wallace waxing rhapsodic and polysyllabic and digressive and a few other things in praise of Roger Federer. ("Why Watching Roger Federer is a Religious Experience.") While he fuses my love of tennis with my love of language, there's just something about him that strikes one as an over eager puppy effectively saying "Look Master! Look how I brought you back the ball and listen to the elaborate panting language with which I am describing--with nuanced virtuosity-- the dazzlingly complex, dynamically kinesthetic phenomenon you insist on reducing to the word "fetch"." Or perhaps a precocious momma's boy perpetually saying "Mommy, mommy: Look at all the new things I've learned to do today and the ostentatiously elaborate ways I've learned to describe them!!" Not that I'm not sympathetic to his desire to describe the experience of watching Roger Federer in quasi-religious terms. But--hyperarticulate passages notwithstanding--I'm not convinced. It reminds me of my ongoing difference with my friend Ben who is always describing Tiger Woods as proof of the existence of God --or at least as a manifestation of the divinely ascendant within man-- whereas, in my mind, he's just an amazing golfer. I understand the fascination with dominance--with the spectacle of stunning and unprecendented superiority. It certainly evokes awe and some kind of a desire to account for it in onto-theological terms. But for me, what we have in Federer and Tiger is simply (and, of course, I recognize that little is enlightened and much is discursively suppressed by the use of the word "simply") two paragons of their sport--guys that are a little bit better than everyone else at a lot of things and over the course of a long tournament those small differences (in attitude, imagination and physical skills) accumulate and manifest themselves in the form of victory. I love watching them play. I worship at the altar of sport. But I am not going to work myself up into a lather trying to wrap a theology around them.
WEIRD THREAT OF THE DAY:
For every time you don’t call me, I’m gonna call you.
ACT OF GRATITUDE OF THE DAY:
That the English language, in its sublime inefficiency, has seen fit to grant us "efficacy", "efficaciousness" and "effectiveness" as three similar sounding ways of saying exactly the same thing.
MAXIM OF THE DAY:
Life may begin at 40.
But so do prostate exams.
QUOTE OF THE DAY #2:
"It's not fair. These guys aren't playing around." -David Ortiz of the Boston Red Sox after his team was swept by the New York Yankees. Brilliant.
REMINDER OF THE DAY:
Guys: If you're travelling with your mother on a plane, leave the penis pump behind.
(For the perplexed: http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=124702)
QUESTIONS OF THE DAY:
Has there ever been a more fitting name for a hard hitting linebacker than one pronounced "Say Ow"?
PEEVE OF THE DAY AKA KANTIAN THOUGHT OF THE DAY AKA EGO-MANIACAL CONFESSION OF THE DAY:
Peeve of the day. People who don't listen to your cell phone messages and call you back just after you've hung up to see what's up. It's the double indignity of their not listening to your fine improvisational performance and then making you repeat what you have already said. Much as the "tourist" who pretends to have lost his wallet and to need help is ruining it for all the real tourists who've actually lost their wallets and will now not get a red cent from me (having already been burnt by a scammer), so too these discourteous cell companions are ruining it for the worthy ones--as they will no longer be getting the blessings of my improvisational voicemail performances. Let's all observe a moment of silence in honor of their inestimable loss.
QUOTE OF THE DAY #3:
The idle speculation marathon has begun on CNN concerning this creepy JonBenet Ramsey suspect. They have been asking all the neighbors and friends and coworkers etc. about the suspect--a largely inane process which did, however, yield one great quote: "He said he was a substitute teacher but I just got the feeling he didn't know what a substitute teacher was supposed to do."
SUGGESTED BAND NAMES OF THE DAY:
Tepid
Infirmacy
Bodily Function
Mediocracy
Mediogre
CARTOON WITHOUT ILLUSTRATION OF THE DAY:
VIS: Little boy walking down the street with his grandmother. On his black T-shirt is written:
"I'm not dead yet"
SINGLE SENTENCE RANDOM PORTRAIT OF THE DAY:
He had a knack for turning anyplace into precisely the wrong place.
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August 16, 2006
IRONIC (IRANIC?) RESEMBLANCE OF THE DAY:
Examine the eyes and brows of the President of Iran--seen here during his interview with Mike Wallace on 60 Minutes. Is it just me or does he look just like George W. Bush? As I was watching it I was thinking: Hmm. Dubya's gotten tanner working out there clearing brush. And who woulda thought Incurious George could speak Farci so well? Anyhow, this Iranian predisent guy is obviously a manipulative cookie--but I have to say that he said a number of things that struck me as quite reasonable. Which made me realize it wasn't George W. Bush after all.
FOLLOW-UP OF THE DAY:
Thoughts on the naming challenge: Here are the leading contenders so far for describing the phenomonon of feeling like what happened that morning was so distant as to belong to some other day.
Einsteining.
Einstein Syndrome
Daysorientation
Yestertardation.
The yesterday syndrome.
Day Ja Day
Day Warp
Day Dazed
Distant Morning Syndrome
Whoomphing.
Fogging.
Splooshing.
Day expansion
The day away syndrome.
QUESTION OF THE DAY:
Speaking of deja vu: I see another news story: "Sharon's condition deteriorates." How many more times can Ariel Sharon's condition deteriorate before he is dead? Is it like Achilles and the tortoise? Can one's condition deteriorate an infinite (non) number of times? Is the number of possible deteriorations asymptotic to death? Can one stay alive eternally by endlessly deteriorating? Or perhaps--as observation of Keith Richards would suggest--it's possible to deteriorate past the point of death.
CONCEPT OF THE DAY:
A revival of "Hair" with only bald men. It would lend a certain poignancy to it.
DESCRIPTION OF THE DAY:
His failure temperature was 98.6 degrees.
WORD THAT IS SINGULAR BUT SOUNDS PLURAL OF THE DAY:
Congeries (n.)
ONION-ESQUE (SHALLOT-LIKE) HEADLINE OF THE DAY:
Despite ex-girlfriend's warning, man gets hit in ass by door on way out.
QUESTION OF THE DAY #2: (We're feeling inquisitive today).
By the end of the summer will there be more planets officially in the solar system or brown haired teenage girls who admit to having slept with New York Mets' catcher Paul LoDuca?
TELEVISION COMMENTARY OF THE DAY:
I surfed around for about an hour: Here are a few of the things that I experienced:
*FASCINATION--via the rivettingly self-congratulatory insipidity of Michael Eisner interviewing Billy Crystal.
*SURPRISE: Who would have thought that the first Mets player in 8 years to hit three home runs in one game would have been the diminutive Jose Reyes?
*EPIPHANY: The realization that while C-Span is often somewhat tedious, it is --given the live feed single camera broadcast and the complete absence of editorial intervention--the most likely place to see something truly compelling happen on television. A senator farting. Someone falling asleep during a book reading. A heart attack mid-filibuster. Etc.
*DISORIENTATION: On the Colbert Report I heard the guest, Dave Gergen, claim that Nixon was too liberal to run for president as either a Republican or a Democrat today and after initially dismissing it as a hyperbolic provocation, I realized he was probably right.
OBSERVATION OF THE DAY:
Jews for Jesus makes about as much sense as Hamburgers for Vegetarians. Or War for Pacifists. Nothing against the teachings of Jesus--but this is simply stretching a term to the point where it ceases to have any meaning.
IRAQ GOOD NEWS OF THE DAY:
There were no reports of celebrity break-ups in Baghdad today.
REFLECTION OF THE DAY:
The way the meaning of a dream becomes apparent only once we look upon it from afar--when we are no longer lost in its imaginary fabric and can see the larger architectural and symbolic form. Or perhaps see the meaning of a name or a word we were lost inside of. Like the pigeons that nest in the letters of a sign in some childhood story I cannot remember. The something of Times Square. In any event--a thought about the blinding force of nearness. The things we can only see from afar.
SINGLE SENTENCE RANDOM PORTRAIT OF THE DAY:
One had the feeling he existed in three eras at once--and none of them was the present.
CARTOON WITHOUT ILLUSTRATION OF THE DAY:
VIS: Vendor holding a giant cup.
Sorry, but our largest size is medium.
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Posted on 8/16/2006
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August 12, 2006
LONG PROMISED PHOTO OF PREVIOUS GESTURE OF THE DAY:
By way of reminder: When you answer a question right or do anything remotely impressive, give the basketball shot motion with the hand hanging overhead on the follow through as the imaginary shot goes through the imaginary hoop...and just leave it hanging up there indefinitely. Until it becomes really awkard (or your arm falls asleep--whichever comes first.)
PRESENT OF THE DAY:
A T-shirt with "Fast Old White Guy" written on it. A belated birthday present from my basketball buddy Stevie Jumpshot. Photo forthcoming. I seem to be on a one photo per post limit.
WISH OF THE DAY:
That this aborted London plane bombing plot can go ten minutes without becoming politicized. Ooops. Too late.
THING THAT MAKES YOU GO "ARGGG" OF THE DAY:
Obviously, it's a huge relief that this London plane bombing plot was nipped in the bud by the vigilant British intelligence services. Hail Brittania. But I am disgusted that it is being used by the Iraq war supporters (and the right wing in general) in a shameless attempt to gain political advantage. People like Cheney and Lieberman couldn't wait 10 minutes from the announcement of the arrests to slam democrats for not taking terrorism seriously. In fact, many democrats take the terrorist threat so seriously that they are determined to see it addressed in more intelligent and effective ways than this administration is doing. (There is little doubt that the war in Iraq has been fanning the flames of Islamic fanaticism and, as a result, has made us less rather than more safe. And there is little doubt that if this episode has proved anything it's the superiority of effective intelligent police work over diffuse military engagement in the fight against al qaeda type terrorists.). In fact, no sooner had Lieberman and Cheney used the event to indict the "soft" democratic "friends of al qaeda", than it was revealed that the 9/11 obsessed, War of Terror crazed administration had, in its infinite wisdom and while the terrorists had been hatching their plan, actually been in the process of diverting funds from bomb detecting technologies at airports--another in a series of moves that lead critics of the administration to question their commitment to innovative anti terrorist measures and technologies or at least their competence in this context.
Full article at:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060811/ap_on_go_ot/terror_explosives_detection_4
Also, from a report in the NYT today:
"The nation is still at risk from the same “failure of imagination” cited by the 9/11 commission as having contributed to the success of the 2001 attack, several argued.
“They are reactive, not proactive,” said Randall J. Larsen, a retired colonel in the Air Force who is chairman of the military strategy department at the National War College in Washington."
Full article at:
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/08/12/washington/12homeland.html?hp&ex=1155441600&en=1d0e4381818a92b4&ei=5094&partner=homepage
Again. Like many critics of the administration, I have no desire to politicize this event. But once people like Cheney have used it to indict the opposition party, it behooves us to point out the contradictions and absurdities of their position. Blah blah blah...Etc. Etc. Etc...Argg Argg Argg...
PHENOMENON IN NEED OF A NAME OF THE DAY:
The feeling that what happened that morning was so long ago as to feel like it was part of a different day. It's as common an experience as deja vu, but it has no words to describe it. Any suggestions? Best suggestion wins a "Support our SUVs" or an "If we become less dependent on oil then the terrorists have already won" Karl Rove inspired Teddy Vegas branded bumper sticker.
ANOTHER THING THAT MAKES YOU GO "ARGGG" OF THE DAY:
The simultaneous revelation that the very rich are failing to pay their taxes in record numbers and the announcement of cuts in the department of the IRS dedicated to the auditing of wealthy people's returns.
OBSERVATION OF THE DAY:
While we are all suddenly terrified of the combinatory explosive potential of certain chemical liquids (say, acetone plus concentrated hydrogen peroxide), we cannot lose sight of the fact that the truly combustible combination is intense hatred plus systematic brain washing. These people are insane murdering machines--who must be stopped by any means necessary.
TERRIFYING COMBINATIONS OF THE DAY/RECYCLING OR REPHRASING ACT OF THE DAY:
Acetone plus hydrogen peroxide.
Intense hatred plus systematic brain washing.
This latter combination causes a depraved indifference to human life. And speaking of depraved indifference: Have you heard about this immensely popular "Bumfight" video series--wherein desperate and often mentally ill homeless people are videotaped doing horribly undignified and self destructive "jackass" type stunts (including beating each other senseless) in exchange for some sorely needed food or drink money? It's almost as bad as kiddie porn. Just wrong. A despicably exploitative diversion for a society that is losing all sense of human decency.
TEDDY VEGAS BRANDED QUESTION OF THE DAY:
Who has a more depraved indifference to humanity and human suffering: The people who were plotting the "planes bursting in air" attack in London or the people who make, market and enjoy videos in which mentally ill desperate homeless people are bribed out of their last shred of human dignity? And why? Please keep answers to 100 words or less.
UNFUNNY COMEDIAN STORY OF THE DAY:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060809/ap_en_tv/robin_williams
Robin Williams bombs, gets bombed.
Happily, Robin Williams didn't wait till he went on an anti-semitic rant before he checked himself into rehab. But, sadly, after 20 years, he fell off the wagon and is drinking again. My guess is it's finally gotten to him that an entire generation of younger people (and by now most people in any age bracket) have realized he is simply not funny. That what used to pass as improvisational genius is really just a lot of concatenated tics and schtick. This is the worst thing that can happen to a guy so transparently in need of love and approval. So desperate to suck on the imaginary breast of the audience's love. Once the imaginary breast of the audience's laughter was withdrawn, he went back to the substitute breast of the bottle. Sad. And leads obliquely to our
TRUISM OF THE DAY:
There's nothing sadder than a mamma's boy whose mamma never loved him.
QUOTE OF THE DAY:
(In re Robin Williams' bombing at recent stand-up appearances--failures that one suspects were instrumental in his return to alcohol.)
You never like to see anyone get humiliated. Unless it's a good friend.
--Eric the IT guy.
CHALLENGE OF THE DAY: NAMING THE ENEMY
Evidently, many in the Muslim world have taken exception to Bush's most recent description of the enemy as "Islamic-Fascism." The feeling is that it implies that there is something inherent to Islam that invites this kind of totalitarian extremism. To my mind, the problem with the term "Islamic fascist" is that it defines this enemy in the context of secular absolutistic enemies of democratic society--like Naziism. While it’s probably a more accurate description of our enemy than "The War on Terror" is of our battle against them, it is still essentially misleading in that it implies a secular rather than a religious (indeed, an apocalyptic, eschatological) basis for their beliefs and motivation for their actions. But be that as it may. If there is any interest in avoiding alienating potentially moderate and sympathetic Muslims, I think the key challenge is to find a name that delegitimizes the enemy in the eyes of Islam rather than define it in terms of Islam. Some thoughts, in generally descending order of intended seriousness (with a sudden return to seriousness at the end):
Fraudulent Fanatical Islam
Fraudulent Islam
Murderously manipulated Islam
Fanatical Islam.
Fatally Falsified Islamic
Counterfeit Islamic Extremism.
Betrayers of Allah
Murderously distorted Islam--and its fanatical adherents.
Murderous Religious Fanaticism of the Islamic Variety.
Islamic Kamikazes.
Pseudo-Islamic death merchants
Homicidal Allah-Crazed Lunatics from Hell.
Death-Crazed Islamic Lunatic Motherfuckers.
Hijackers of Planes and Islam
Situation Normal Allah Fucked Up-ism.
Or, wait, how about the name they actually have that Bush and Cheney seldom use and that in no way references Islam :
Al Qaeda
ARTICLE OF THE DAY: (Well, of a few days ago)
BHL article on Israel in Sunday's NYT Magazine section. Eschewed his usual sophomoromic speculations. A welcomed reminder that there are Israeli civilian casualties here too. That Israel is not the monolithic military machine--insensitive to life, hell bent on vengeful destruction --that one might conclude it is from the media coverage (Sorry, forgot the media was Jewish controlled, Mel), but rather a tortured, conflicted people solemnly (and reluctantly) taking the grim and rightful steps they feel they must in the face of a serious pan-Islamic threat to their well being--if not survival . In other words, it's a tragic mess all around for Israelis, Lebanese and Palestinians--and one that is arguably being cynically manipulated by Iran and Syria via Hezbollah.
PEEVE OF THE DAY:
There is a new campaign in the subways for "Secret" deodorant. Shamelessly stealing (repurposing, appropriating) an idea from a popular website (www.postsecret.blogspot.com), it features alleged "Secrets" submitted by "strong independent women"--in the aim of forging an emotional consumer connection with the brand and selling more product. The secrets are all scrubbed and safe--a commercial attempt to domesticate deception and plunder privacy for profit. "I spend half an hour each day applying makeup to make it look like I'm not wearing make-up," confesses one copywriter. "We eloped last week, " bravely shares another etc. Something in the tidily constructed commercialization of unruly and innermost truth makes me want to tear the ribbon off this little packet of lies (fictionalized untruths masquerading as innermost truths) and sully them with the disruptive force of reality--graffiti-ing secrets like "I masturbate while thinking about my husband's best friend every night" or even the more specifically relevant "I stole this campaign idea from a popular website which is much MUCH better." I think it's only a matter of time before less brand-friendly secrets such as these start popping up in the margins of the posters. I give it less than a week.
IDEA OF THE DAY
A simultaneous visual representation of what's going on between Israel and Lebanon and what is going on inside Ariel Sharon's brain. I wonder if there is some oblique awareness of the former in the latter. Some vague intimation of the chaos that rages all around him. And even if there is not, it's an interesting conceit--that the two somehow mirror one another in some unaccountable way.
WORD THAT IS A DIFFERENT PART OF SPEECH DIFFERENT FROM WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE OF THE DAY:
Contumely (n.)
CURIOUS PATTERN OF THE DAY:
I am sure there is nothing here, but it is numerologically (sp?) striking that the S.S. Cole and Bali attacks both happened on 10/12, the WTC attacks happened on 9/11 and this London plot was revealed on 8/10. Just to be on the safe side, I'd be pushing the terror alert to "Bug-eyed" if not to "We're fucked!" on 7/9 and on 11/13.
TOUGH CALL OF THE DAY:
Don’t know what I’m more alienated from …people who exploit 9/11 for a right wing political agenda or the looney tunes who insist it was a conspiracy.
WISH I HAD A CAMERA WITH ME MOMENT OF THE DAY:
Amputee skahing a cup and sitting beside his (removed) artificial leg --in front of a renovated builidng which had "Pre-War" written huge in the first floor window. I wish I'd taken the shot and then altered it to "Post-War" in photoshop.
IRAQ GOOD NEWS OF THE DAY:
While killing 35 people, the suicide bombing that took place in Najaf today was way way way less impressive and way way way less destructive than the ones that were being planned in London. Frankly, by comparison, they were downright rinky dink.
BITTERSWEET MOMENT OF THE DAY:
Affirming yet sort of depressing to hear that Conan O'Brien did a "Ways Mel Gibson Can Seek Forgiveness From the Jews" bit last night. Note: It took great restraint to use the indefinite article "a" rather than the possessive pronoun "my" in the previous sentence. My friend told me it was pretty funny and that the best one was "By giving Mel Brooks a foot massage." When my friend maintained friend-in-good-standing status by telling me that he thought my version of the bit was funnier, I feigned modesty by saying that the TV guys must have been totally constrained by what you could get away with on network TV-- but internally I really wanted to bust out with my aforementioned (and above photographed) post basketball shot hanging wrist gesture of the day.
MORTAL MOMENT OF THE DAY:
At the dentist the other day, while scheduling my next cleaning, I looked behind the hygienist's head and saw an aerial shot of NYC with the Twin Towers still in it. It was as if they'd been photoshopped in. As if they had never been there. It felt like an evocation of a common dream we all lived in and from which we were all rudely awakened. Memento Mori in tandem. Awesome reminders of dizzying impermanence. Mutability and mortality writ large.
Speaking of impermanence--and the imaginary fabric of things:
I've recently been thinking that I haven't memorized any poems or poetic passages in ages (all the poems and Shakespearean passages I know by heart were memorized in high school and college) so this weekend I decided to find something new to commit to memory. It turns out that one of the things I ended up being drawn to was the beautiful little monologue which closes "The Tempest", Shakespeare's final play.
"Our revels now are ended. These our actors
As I foretold you, were spirits and
Are melted into air, into thin air.
And like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capped towers, the gorgeous palaces,
the solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff as dreams
are made on. And our little life
Is rounded by a sleep.
The mention of "cloud-capped towers" that "shall dissolve...and leave not a rack behind" eerily evoked the Twin Towers I'd seen earlier that day at the dentists. And as I read these words again, it struck me how beautiful a phrase "into thin air" truly is (we are blinded to its beauty by habit and proximity) and how Shakespeare probably coined it in this passage. I thought about how we all still live in the shadow of Shakespeare--much as we long lived in the shadow of the Twin Towers. And how Shakespeare and the Towers have both passed into thin air and how both, in their passing, never cease to remind us that all things, ultimately, do.
Anyhow, I think it might be fitting and moving to have that passage from The Tempest written over that old aerial photo of NYC with the Twin Towers still standing.
EPIPHANY OF THE DAY:
I had this eureka moment while watching "Little Miss Sunshine," a charming and funny paen to the redeeming value of family--even in its most obstreperously dysfuncitonal form: Close your eyes while Alan Arkin is talking and he instantly becomes Christopher Walken.
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Posted on 8/12/2006
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August 03, 2006
TEDDY VEGAS EXCLUSIVE OF THE DAY:
(With contributions by Correspondents Trey Kollmer and Richard Dinkes)
GIBSON, JEWISH LEADERS MEET; UNDERSTANDING REACHED.
According to sources, Mel Gibson met with high ranking Jewish Officials throughout the day in an attempt to heal the breach caused by his recent anti-semitic outburst. Digital Napkins has managed to obtain a list conditions Mr. Gibson has agreed to meet in order to atone for his actions and be forgiven by the greater Jewish Community.
According to the report, Mr Gibson will:
Play Tevya in the upcoming production of Fiddler.
Co-Host a Chanukah Special with Whoopie Goldberg and Madonna.
Work the words "Schlemiel" and "Shlamazl" into all future anti-semitic rants.
Make a film called "The Passion of the Moyle"
Release a final Mad Max movie entitled "Road Worrier."
Give up Jew bashing for phone throwing (just not at Jews).
Stop saying the Jews control the media --when in fact they only control Hollywood and The New York Times.
Participate in a menage a trois with Jimmy Kimmel and Sara Silverman in which he is not allowed to touch Sara Silverman.
Get circumcised and auction off his foreskin on Ebay with proceeds going to Steven Spielberg's Holocaust Project.
Grow back his mullet, cut it off and then wear it on his face like payus.
Calculate the number of dollars he's earned from Jewish moviegoers and then tattoo that number onto his forearm.
Post bail in gelt.
Adopt "Meshugganeh Mel" as his official Hollywood nick name.
SERIOUS MEL GIBSON OBSERVATION OF THE DAY:
Mel Gibson has really been revealing himself to be a garden variety psycho. But sadly, his psychotic rage towards the Jews is shared by a big part of this psycho world's population. Every time he pops off in some cartoonish fit of paranoid delusional Jew hating--under the flimsy cover of drunkenness or whatever--he actually voices what many people silently feel and gains more fans than he loses. Then he goes into "rehab" in a cynical attempt to wheedle his way back into the good graces of the few fans he lost and re-ingratiate himself with the Hollywood power structure. Let's not fool ourselves, Jew hating has never ever been a bad career move. But even by the standards of racist lunatics world wide, this is a remarkably nutsy-cookoo instance.
ONION-ESQUE (SHALLOT LIKE) IDEA OF THE DAY:
A full page ad in the NYT denouncing the Mel Gibson anti-semitic rant.
We the undersigned condemn Mel Gibson's regrettable drunken anti-semitic outburst. Such raving and inane displays of intolerance undermine the legitimacy of the great cause of anti-semitism and besmirch the dignity of the noble battle against the Zionist State. We implore Mr. Gibson to cease his lamentably dismissable tirades as they only serve to injure our common cause.
Sincerely,
Osama Bin Ladem, Ayhman El-Zawihri, Louis Farakhan, David Duke, Zaccariah Massaoui, Ismail Haniyeh of Hamas, The Nation of Austria, The Aryan Brotherhood Etc.
HASTILY SCRIVENED AD PARODY OF THE DAY:
Mel Gibson for Mannischewitz wine.
"Mmm Mannischewitz. The taste of Jewish tradition. One sip and you'll be filled with the spirit of togetherness. (He sips) Ahh delicious. A few more sips...(He sips) and a few more sips....(He gulps) and a few more sips...(He guzzles) and...and.... and.... you'll begin to feel the guilt and shame of your ancestors' killing Christ---the blood on your hands...the holy blood...the holy dripping blood of that divine being who turned water into wine...wine I may add that tasted much better than this execrable drivel....yes...you will feel shame for this accursed murder and for the endless acts of usury and for your despicable conspiracy to take over the world--and for plotting 9/11 and blaming it on the muslims...clever clever jews...and for the whole invention of the Holocaust...If I EVER have to hear another word from these Hollywood Christ killers about that sickening pack of lies again...I'll I'll I'll...but where was I? Where was I? Oh yes. Mannischewitz. The taste of Jewish tradition. Mmm. Mannischewitz. To life. To life. L'Chaim. Available at fine (and not so fine) wine store everywhere."
FACTOID OF THE DAY:
According to the New Yorker, there are 12 million bloggers in the U.S. So, I guess that means there are about 20 people per blogger. Which means that at 25 to 50 hits per posting, I'm doing prety well! Ah, the glory of lowered expectations.
QUOTE OF THE DAY:
"In the age of blogging, everyone will be famous for 15 people." (Or in my case, 25-50-- mothahfuckah!).
METEOROLOGICAL OBSERVATION OF THE DAY:
Global warming is a thing of the past. Global broiling has begun. (Or at least global braising.)
QUOTE OF THE DAY #2:
"Maybe I never said "I love you" often enough. Maybe I never meant it when I said it."
--Spoken dramatically, breathlessly during an improv performance at the Upright Citizen's Brigade this weekend.
POST UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE MARATHON REFLECTION OF THE DAY:
Improv versus theater. The thrill of invention versus the blessings of editing.
RENAMING OF THE DAY:
Operation Shock and Awe becomes Operation Shock and Aw Shit, This is Gonna be a Nightmare.
CURIOUS COINCIDENCE OF THE DAY:
Arguably the two most iconic blondes in the world are both married to guys named Ritchie. Pam Anderson with Bob Ritchie (aka Kid Rock) and Madonna with Guy Ritchie. Girls like Ritch guys.
OBSERVATION OF THE DAY:
In gambling one can never win enough. But one can run out of money. One never knows when to quit until one has run out of funds. Otherwise put, greed (and the capacity for self delusion) is limitless. But one's money supply is finite. This is the basic asymmetry exploited mercilessly by the house.
NEWS ITEM OF THE DAY:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060731/sc_nm/science_invisible_dc
Good news for voyeurs, pervs, snoops, anti-social people with megalomanical impulses and pretty much everyone else: Scientists think invisibility may soon be possible.
IRAQ GOOD NEWS OF THE DAY:
No Prominent Military Officials in Bagdad tested positive for steroids yesterday.
CONFIRMED SUSPICION OF THE DAY:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060803/hl_nm/breastfeeding_dc
Breast feeding may reduce anxiety. Damn. Such a shame I was a biter. Woulda spared me a lot of sleepless nights as a kid, adolescent and young man. Ok, and middle aged man too.
CARTOON WITHOUT ILLUSTRATION OF THE DAY:
VIS: Two guys sitting across from each other with their cell phones on the table in front of them.
It bothered Trey that Rich always answered his cell phone and it bothered Rich that Trey never did.
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