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MOTTO OF THE DAY:
Never trust an evangelist.
But in particular never trust an evangelist who --on a sunny day--prostelitzes in the shade.
DEFINITION OF THE DAY:
Politician. One who wants to politicize an issue when it's expedient to do so and rhetorically transcend politics when it's not.
P.S. OF THE DAY:
This observation was occasioned by Bush's claim--during his appearance at Virginia Tech-- that now was not the time to debate gun control. That there would be plenty of time for that. But now was a time for healing and prayer; for unity rather than division. Meanwhile I fully expect him to respond to this horror in the same tactically inane, causally irrelevant way that he did in attacking Iraq after 9/11. I expect him not to endorse gun control but rather to declare a war on knives. Or maybe a moratorium on higher education so there can be no more bloodbaths on college campuses.
QUOTE OF THE DAY:
"The government may use its voice and its regulatory authority to show its profound respect for the life within the woman." - Justice Anthony Kennedy.
But not the life of the woman.
There is a profound regard for all life in utero but a curious disregard for all life ex utero.
POLITICAL PHENOMENON OF THE DAY: Bush gives Gonzalez a "Brownie"
Ah, the damning insult of a George W. Bush vote of confidence: ""This is an honest, honorable man, in whom I have confidence," Bush said. Joined Brownie. Begs question of which is a greater damnation: High praise from Cheney (Rumsfeld, Libby) or from Bush (Brownie, Gonzalez)? And why are they always in the position of having to praise their embattled appointees' characters?!? Bush has the judgement of a drunk. A recovered born again drunk. But a drunk nonetheless. A drunk turned true believer. Another interesting feature of the Bush presidency is the fact that he cannot deal with open conflict or disagreement. He can only speak in front of the military or at republican fundraisers. He can only preach to the choir. He can only appear in public at solemn and grave moments like Virgina Tech where one can speak some solemn words about uniting rather than dividing only to return to his divisive, dishonest and largely surreptitious practices.
AWKWARD MOMENT OF THE DAY:
A guy is with his girlfriend at a horror movie. At the key terrifying moment, she instinctively grabs hold of his arm and he instincitvely clutches the arm of the complete stranger beside him.
NEOLOGISMS OF THE DAY:
Interpretate.
Adiposeur. (A plus-sized pretentious person).
CARTOON WITHOUT ILLUSTRATION OF THE DAY:
Sorry, the day/week/month/year/decade/era/lifetime got away from me.
DECLARATION OF THE DAY:
It's always the quiet ones you have to worry about. Which means no one has to worry about me.
DESCRIPTION OF THE DAY:
Her island accent had a strange mix of solicitousness and condescension, of langorousness and stress.
MARKETING OBSERVATION OF THE DAY:
Simply by dint of it's name, Eckerdt Drug stores is simply never gonna beat out CVS or Duane Reade. Eckerdt is just not the name of a retail winner. It's the Dukakis of pharmacies.
NEW TAGLINE OF THE DAY:
Eckerdt. The Dukakis of pharmacies.
JUXTAPOSITION OF THE DAY:
Adjacent bars. One in which it looks like everyone is celebrating a promotion. The other in which everyone is being consoled for a firing.
REJECTED AD IDEAS OF THE DAY: (With apologies in advance).
I was charged with writing a headline for U.S. Cellular--a midwestern wireless company--for ad space they had previously bought in the Virginia Tech college newspaper. The following are the selected ad and the three runner ups.
No words can express what we feel.
Unlimited incoming calls…so your parents can call every five minutes as they are surely now going to do from here until the second you graduate and really can you possibly, possibly blame them?!?!?
It would be insensitive, opportunistic and in bad taste to offer heartfelt condolences, since we don't know you or the deceased personally-so we'd like instead to take this opportunity to tastefully remind you about our terrific 30 Day Commitment-free Trial! Take us up on it today…cause you never know how long you have.
F-cking Koreans.
PROPOSED "CONGRATULATIONS ON BECOMING A PARENT" CARD OF THE DAY:
Congratulations on the magnificent extension of your narcissism.
DESCRIPTOR OF THE DAY
Dairy retarded. Describing one's cognitive state after the consumption of a milk shake.
ACTIVITIES OF THE DAY:
Whining and opining.
ONTOLOGICAL OBSERVATION OF THE DAY:
Outside the contingent determinants of history and identity, outside the resolutely persistent human narrative, it is always the same light lighting the same day.
POETIC FRAGMENT OF THE DAY: (adapted from the overheard)
Ambivalence and Desire
I'm gonna beat you with kisses,
honeybitch.
LYRIC OF THE DAY:
"Never never gonna quit cause quittin just ain't my schtick."--as sung by the late great Barry White. Always something funny about a black guy using a yiddish expression. Sort of reminds me of all the black guys at the Williams BBQ chicken on the Upper West Side who had been trained by the old Jewish guys in the store and had sort of adopted their accent by osmosis.
NEW UPCOMING FEATURES OF THE DAY: (Stay tuned!)
Title for an autobiography i will never write.
Fragments for a poem i will never write.
Idea for a business i will never start.
CONCEPT FOR A SHORT STORY I WILL NEVER WRITE.
A man goes out to lunch from his office. And never returns. Standing in a lunch line, he makes a decision to radically change his life forever.
MOVIE COMMENT OF THE DAY:
Finally saw The Departed. Great performances (except for the self caricature by Jack Nicholson) and compelling story line (can't believe the symmetrical undercover/rat plot had never been done before) undermined by an unconvincing and sloppily conceived ending. Plot and plausibility holes so big Leonardo De Caprio's ego could drive right through them.
OENOPHILE'S BUMPER STICKER OF THE DAY:
Merlot will outlive Paul Giammati
LFAQ of the DAY:
Why has no one come out with hockey sneakers?
PRODUCT IDEA OF THE DAY:
A Cheney wind-up bulldog. It repeats the same three things. Plus it growls and barks.
EXCHANGE OF THE DAY:
The Perils of Geriatric Fatherhood.
-What are you up to?
-Oh, I'm at Costco...picking up diapers and liquid formula and stuff.
-Well, make sure to get something for the baby too.
DESCRIPTION OF THE DAY #2:
His discourse had no continuity. He started each sentence as if it were a jump cut from the preceding one. He came across in real time as a poorly edited film of himself.
A-ROD OBSERVATION OF THE DAY:
A-Rod: thriving in unconcealment--to get all Heideggarean about it. Actually happy for him. At this rate, Barry Bonds better hit his next 16 homers pretty quickly or else A-Rod may break Hammerin' Hank's record before he does.
To stop waxing Heidegarean about it and to start waxing all armchair Freudian about it, I think his crisis is that he was never properly fathered and he has now essentially fathered himself via the truth. Coming out of denial was hard and brave but it gave him the kind of self esteem and grit that fully fathered men have and oedipal escapees often lack.
STUNNING BROADCAST MOMENT OF THE DAY: (Although it happened over 40 years ago).
I recently saw the documentary about the fight in which Emile Griffith killed Bernie Paret in the boxing ring and the effect it had on his life. During the live post fight interview (I believe it was the first televised fight ever), they showed Griffith a replay of the vicious sequence of punches that knocked out (and will turn out to have killed) Paret. The sportscaster--with the unconscious and unresponsive Paret lying just feet away-- asks Griffith to "Take us through the knockout" and then pauses to remark on the "terrific camera work." Here a man is being murdered before our very eyes and his unconsious body is lying just out of frame and the adrenalized announcer is lavishly extolling the camera work. Really stunning to witness, with the clarity of hindsight, the cruel dramatic irony of that moment.
SINGLE SENTENCE RANDOM PORTRAIT OF THE DAY:
She liked to mock symmetry. And symmetry gladly returned the favor.
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Posted on 4/23/2007
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