A holiday posting for all my fellow Time Magazine Men and Women of the Year.

IMAGE OF THE DAY:

STRANGE PHENOMENON OF THE DAY:

I went to pick up a gift at Tower Records and discovered that it was closing. In fact there was a clearance sale going on. 80% off the lowest marked price. People were rummaging through the aisles, picking the pop cultural bone clean. It was so strange. As I walked down the long familiar aisles, scanning the name plates on the CD organizers for my favorite groups--creators and priducers of the intimately rehearsed soundtrack to my life--I found instead only strange names of groups I'd never heard of before. It was like some parallel history--in which the Beatles, Pearl Jam, Bob Dylan, Radiohead etc. never existed. Or like some trip through an eastern european or asian mall where you see groups exported from the U.S. that are entirely unknown within it. Fraudulent cloned bands. Strange sonic simulacra. I rummaged briefly until I was overcome with a feeling of terminal unheimlichheit. And then I bid adieu to the place in which I'd spent countless hours and now, at the threshold of my final departure, barely even recognized. (It reminds me of my final encounter with my grandfather... unrecognizably pale and gaunt and gasping in a coma. A terrible final image that haunted me for a long time until it mercifully merged with or was entirely displaced by the other wonderfully vital memories of him that I have.)

LITERARY COMMENT OF THE DAY:

Speaking of surreal alternative paths through history: I've been reading "The Plot Against America" by Phillip Roth, a chilling and utterly convincing imagining of American history had Lindberg beaten FDR in 1942 and pursued an isolationist policy with regard to Hitler and WWII. America becomes a folksily fascist Nazi-complicit anti-semitic nation with Brave New World style rhetoric concealing pernicious policy behind sunny misleading names. It's the kind of thing that would have been considered dismissably far-fetched before our experiences of the post 9/11 Bush-Cheney-Rove administration but now, of course, feels all too plausible.

CONCEPT OF THE DAY:

Recombinant Franchise Towns. With almost all towns now having the same 25 basic franchises--branded building blocks, late capitalist amino acids --the specificity of place seems to be a thing of the past. Soon towns will simply be unique combinations or permutations of these basic franchises--set against a slightly different topographical and meteorological backdrop.

WOMAN A: Where do you come from?
WOMAN B: "Starbucks-Walmart-Gap-Dunkin' Donuts-McDonalds-Whole Foods-Circuit City."
WOMAN A: Oh, wow. I have a friend who comes from there! Small world.
WOMAN: B: Yes it is! How about you. Where are you from?
WOMAN A: "Walmart-Gap-Chipotle-Whole Foods-Costco-Gap-McDonalds"
WOMAN B: You know, I've never been there but I've always wanted to go.
WOMAN A: Oh, you'd love it.

GOAL OF THE DAY:

Perfecting the tepid warm-up act at a comedy club clap.

RACIAL COMMENT OF THE DAY:

The Duke rape case evokes both the Tawana Brawley and OJ cases. Sadly misplaced expressions of legitimate racial rage that merely perpetuate the cycle of prejudice and hatred.

IDEA OF THE DAY:

It is often observed that a Democrat can't win without a southern accent. Hence my newest business idea: Announcing the Teddy Vegas Democratic Southern Accent Finishing School. Work on your drawls, y'all. There may be a position for you in this soon-to-be venerable institution.

PHENOMENON MERITING FURTHER COMMENTARY OF THE DAY:

Cleaning for the maid.

SUGGESTED PHRASE OF THE DAY (AND VARIANTS):

"I don't know about you, but THIS Time Magazine Man of the Year thinks _____________________ (Insert thought here.)

or:

"From one Time Magazine Man of the Year to another _______________________ (Insert advice or counsel here).

or:

Never mind. This Time Magazine Man of the Year thinks you get the idea.

HOLIDAY OBSERVATION OF THE DAY:

I may have mentioned this thought before at some point (and excuse in advance my premature senility if I have), but getting my Barnes and Noble gifts gift wrapped yesterday, I was struck by the peculiar social ritual of removing or blotting out the price of an object whose price is commonly and universally known --or at least estimate-able within a dollar or two. There is no mystery about how much a Zagat's guide costs. Or a DVD. Or a CD. But there is some wish to keep the personal offering unsullied by the impersonal concept of exchange value. Anyhow, it strikes me that the logical extension of this collective charade is to give gift certificates with the amount crossed out. Or even U.S. currency itself with stickers over the numbers in the corners and over the relevant Great American's face. "Here's some cash. I can't tell you how much I spent on it. But I hope you can use it to buy yourself something nice."

AUTOBIOGRAPHICALLY BASED FIRST LINE FOR A NOVEL OF THE DAY:

He could date the complete transformation of his life to the visit of Tina the maid.

TERM OF THE DAY:

"Squanderlust" from Paul Krugman in re Bush and his right wing tax-cutting class-warring cronies.

IMPORTANT MILESTONE OF THE DAY:

Bundt cake turns 60.

RANDOM SINGLE SENTENCE PORTRAIT OF THE DAY:

He hated her more than life itself.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT OF THE DAY:

You enjoy.

CARTOON WITHOUT ILLUSTRATION OF THE DAY:

Cheney speaking about Rumsfeld.

Caption: "Donald Rumsfeld has been the Greatest Secretary of Defense in U.S. History."

Oh, wait that wasn't a cartoon. That was a real quote. Sorry. And happy holidays.

Tags:   None

© All rights reserved.

Posted on 12/24/2006 ( Permanent Link )
Read 595 Times
 Send to Friend