ACTUAL ELECTIONS, HYPOTHETICAL CONFESSIONS AND A WOEFULLY BELATED WOO-HOO!!

PREFATORY NOTE OF THE DAY:

Yeah, I know it's been a while. And I know I really should have posted something earlier in the wake of the huge Democratic takeover of Congress and all that. I mean, here I am endlessly griping about the misery of our political climate, the poverty of our national discourse and the failures and abdications of the media and then the moment something really good happens...something suggestive of positive change, something that provides a reasonable basis for something approximating hope, something powerful and redemptive that makes one proud once again to be an American...and what do I do? I simply shut up and disappear.

I wish I could say the long delay in my posting was a function of the Democratic victory leaving me dumfounded and at a loss for words. Or that it was because i've been out partying in celebration and have been too wasted to write. Or that in the absence of anything critical and negative to say, I chose to say nothing at all. But as is often the case in life, the truth is far more pedestrian and unsatisfying: I've simply been really busy at work.

Now that I've got that off my chest, let's have one big, long-belated celebratory "Woo-Hoo" and then move onto some notes I've been scribbling on napkins over the course of the last 10 or so days.

AFOREMENTIONED WOEFULLY BELATED CELEBRATORY WOO-HOO OF THE DAY:

Woo-Hoo!!!!

DO-OVER OF THE DAY:

C'mon. That wasn't big and celebratory enough--although it was certainly belated enough. WOO-HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now THAT'S more like it!

MATRIMONIAL NEWS OF ELECTION DAY:

Brittney Spears and Kevin Federline crushed me with news of their separation--just when I was still trying to recover from Bruce and Demi. They cited "irreconcilable differences." And I wonder just what those irreconcilable differences are: That one is a white trash has-been pop star and the other is a white trash wanna-be-but-never-was pop star? I guess in celebrity marriages, that status imbalance does indeed constitute an irreconcilable difference.

ELECTION NIGHT META-COMMENTARY OF THE DAY:

TV moment of the day: Wolf Blitzer following the report on the Brittney-K-Fed breakup story said with a totally blank face "We wish them all the best heading into the future." It was absolutely unreadable as to whether this was contemptuous sardonic snark or just good corporate feigned compassion.

Only 11% of voters polled expressed concern that their vote will not be counted. The announcers were impressed that it was "only 11%." What a sad comment that only 11% of the people in the so called greatest democracy on earth not thinking their votes would be counted was considered a sign of voter faith in the system.

WHAAA??????? OF THE DAY:

Bill Bennet on CNN for Election night? What...was he giving the betting spread on the candidates?

DARING TELE-JOURNALISTIC ACT OF ELECTION NIGHT:

CNN boldly predicting McKaskill victory in Missouri about an hour after she herself had declared victory and about half an hour after her opponent had conceded.

HEADLINE OF THE DAY AFTER ELECTION DAY:

"Bush to meet with Iraq Study Group." (Yahoo). Of course it would have been nice if he learned a little something about them BEFORE he decided to attack/disarm/decimate/liberate them.

QUESTION OF THE DAY AFTER ELECTION DAY:

Should the Dems initiate hearings? Is it more in the interests of our nation than not doing so?

I was originally opposed to the idea of the Dems wasting a lot of energy looking backwards in divisive recrimination rather than forward in a unifying commitment to a better future. But I've come around to the position that an inquiry into deceptions and dishonesties past is critical our ability to move forward. It is essential of course that the inquiries be made not in the spirit of vengeful retaliation but in the spirit of restoring faith in our democratic system. But if there should be a little retaliatation along the way, then so be it. We'll take it as a Lucky Strike extra.

In any event, Karl Rove must be feeling a lot like The Wizard of Oz right now. You know, after he was found out to be this broken little man.

ACCOUNTABILITY UPDATE OF THE DAY AFTER ELECTION DAY: (In honor of the elections being hailed as an "accountability moment" for the Bush administration.)

In our great culture of accountability, Rumsfeld--in his resignation statements-- essentially blamed voters for not understanding the war cause it's simply too "complex" for them and Ted Haggard's defenders basically blamed his gay escapades on his wife--because "she sort of let herself go." Yup, the preacher's wife put on a few pounds in the thighs so her husband had to take it up the ass from a gay prostitute in chaps and a cowboy hat. Honest, Preacher Haggard had no interest in homosexual sex. He condemns it. But when he saw that extra cottage cheese on his wife's thighs, he was compelled to fellate.

LIEBERMAN UPDATE OF THE DAY AFTER ELECTION DAY:

Joe Lieberman who ran as an independent said today that people should "call me a Democrat." Of course the full quote of the ever opportunistic me-first Senator from the great state of Sanctimony was "Which party won? Oh, yes the Democrats...and can I get assurance that I'll be credited with previous service as a Democrat in terms of assessing seniority for possible Senate Chairmanships? Yes. Good. Ok, then call me a Democrat. Cause you know...I'm always thinking about the party first. "

RHETORICAL TELEVISION MOMENT OF THE MORE RECENT DAY (HENCEFORTH TO BE REFERED TO MERELY AS "OF THE DAY."):

Charlie Rose interviewing John Edwards

--Can you foresee anything that would make you decide not to run for President?
--You mean, as I sit here now?

I just loved the rhetorical inanity of the "As I sit here now?" No, not as you sit here now. As you fly through space three weeks from today in a blond wig and clown's nose with a bonobo monkey strapped to your back giving you a sorely needed reach around. Of course, what followed almost immediately as he began to hem and haw...was that giveaway I'm busted: "Of course I'm running, you idiot!" laugh emerging from the depths of his carefully concealed political ambition. It was a pleasure to watch the charade. And to watch him then try to pull his face together to reflect the appropriate admixture of altruism and gravitas. ("this is not about me this is about America"...etc..etc.. blah blah blah).

OBSERVATION OF THE DAY:

The first casualty of the Democratic victory in the election: Stephen Colbert keeps falling out of character.

So far as I can see, the single biggest change in the country since the Democrats have won Congress is that Stephen Colbert can't stop smiling. Prior to the elections, I don't think I'd ever seen him break out of his wonderfully blowhardy character, but now he seems to be too delighted to consistently maintain the mask of idiotic righteousness.

As Colbert in character might say about Colbert's recent tendency to fall out of character: "Fraudulent bastard is a liberal after all! Despicable!."

SIGN OF THE DAY:

(Seen by Digital Napkins Correspondent Loren Parkins at the Department of Motor Vehicles Car Pound at the Brooklyn Navy Yards.)

Welcome to Redemption.
Please line up between the poles and wait till your name is called.
Visa, Mastercard, Amex and Discovery Card Accepted.

--Department of Motor Vehicles.

EXCHANGE OF THE DAY:

(Upon discovering that an athletic, health conscious friend had suddenly begun smoking cigarettes in his mid 30s.)

- Why have you suddenly start smoking?
- I'm suicidal
- Well, not that I'm encouraging you, but if you're trying to kill yourself, there are easier ways: A rope. Some pills. Some carbon monoxide....
- Yeah, but I'm a procrastinator.

CONCEPT OF THE DAY:

The suicidal procrastinator. He wants to kill himself but keeps putting it off. Maybe he'll start smoking and drinking and eating fast food. That way he can commit a little suicide every day...but put off most of it for later.

NEW CATEGORY OF THE DAY: THE HYPOTHETICAL CONFESSION:

LOS ANGELES -- Fox plans to broadcast an interview with O.J. Simpson in which the former football star discusses "how he would have committed" the slayings of his ex-wife and her friend, for which he was acquitted, the network said.

The two-part interview, titled "O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened," will air Nov. 27 and Nov. 29, the TV network said.

Simpson has agreed to an "unrestricted" interview with book publisher Judith Regan, Fox said.

"O.J. Simpson, in his own words, tells for the first time how he would have committed the murders if he were the one responsible for the crimes," the network said in a statement. "In the two-part event, Simpson describes how he would have carried out the murders he has vehemently denied committing for over a decade."

NOTES ON THE ABOVE OF THE DAY:

To pay homage to The Late Johnny Cochran: If the bullshit won't quit, you must vomit!

If only that John Michael Karr creep had known about this fab new mode of confession, he could have spared himself the pedophilic fall from disgrace of being ruled out as a suspect by the DNA evidence.

Hypothetical confession is threatening to join ranks with truthiness, authenticitude and spincerity--transforming the unholy trinity into the quasi-comical quaternity.

HYPOTHETICAL CONFESSION OF THE DAY:

If I cheated on my girlfriend, here's how I did it.

Look, I never said I cheated on my girlfriend.  And I stand by my countless denials that I've made to her.  But  if I did do it, here's how it happened.

If I cheated on my girlfriend, I would have done it every Wednesday night during my weekly Wednesday night “basketball game.”  Yeah, that's the scam a bunch of my friends and I would have been running-- for years.  It give us each a fool proof alibi to have a night for unauthorized liasons under the cover of some wholesome healthy activity.  I mean, it would.  You know, if we did it that.

If I cheated on my girlfriend, I'd be doing it with that hot secretary Bettina who used to work at my office. But whom I finally felt free to ask out the moment she quit to pursue her career as a "dancer" full time. I'd meet with her every Wednesday night at my place, of course, cause everyone knows I'm not there.  I'm at the “game.”

If I were to cheat on my girlfriend with Bettina, I'd cook her food the way I never do with my girlfriend. And I'd eat it really differently too. Let's just say Bettina and I don't need plates...cause we have each other. I mean, we wouldn't need plates.

If I cheated on my girlfriend, every Wednesday night with Bettina (and, ok, once, with her AND her friend Carey too! Yes, it would have been every bit as amazing as you'd imagine). We'd do it almost always at my apartment although once or twice at a hotel I'd have rented way uptown where no one I know and no one my girlfriend knows lives,

If I cheated on my girlfriend on this regular, weekly, ongoing basis, I'd be really grateful to her for never seeming to notice that although I'm supposed to be playing a vigorous game of basketball every week, I never seem to lose any weight or gasp any less after walking up the four flights of stairs to her apartment.

If I cheated on my girlfriend, this is how I did it for the longest time without her ever suspecting it.

But of course, I stand by all my denials.

POINT OF CLARIFICATION OF THE DAY:

Although I recognize that I have conceptually undermined all of my authority in this matter (having repeatedly pointed out the difficulty of distinguishing between the truth and its many shades of fraudulent similitude), I must aver --for obvious reasons of interpersonal consequence--that the hypothetical confession above is entirely fictional and in no way relates even hypothetically to me. And I must say to Bettina: "If you happen to read this, please let me know where you're "dancing" these days."

THEATER COMMENTS OF THE DAY:

Watching Beckett as uncomfortable yoga position:

Saw a Beckett play. Slow. Repetitive. Not readily accessible or rewarding in terms of its verbal or gestural language. But, much as with an initially painful yoga stretch, if you focus and relax into the initial discomfort, something opens up within you and an interesting and less common kind of experience becomes possible. At least that's what I was telling myself to redeem the first 40 minutes of lowgrade distress.

Also saw August Wilson's "Two Trains Running." Ultimately, a good piece of theater. But long. Sufficiently long, in fact, to warrant being renamed in one of the following manners:

"Two Days Running."
"Two Trains Crawling."

EXCHANGE OF THE DAY #2:

During aforementioned theatrical experience.

-Oh my goodness, there's ANOTHER act?!?! What time is it?
-Noon.

9/11 THEORY OF THE DAY:

In a groovy Williamsburg bookstore, I picked up a little essay by Beaudrillard entitled "the Spirt of Terrorism/Requiem for the Twin Towers." A sexy, slender little volume--pleasing to the post modern book fetishist. Anyhow, Beaudrillard's premise--no doubt anathema to most Americans-- is that the Twin Towers had to fall as a sort of logical extension of hegemonic superpower. In his view, The Towers collapsed neither as a consequence of the planes striking them nor as a consequence (unconsidered by him) of some planned detonation but rather as an expression of their own ineluctable death wish as the most salient icons of excessive global power. In short, they committed suicide. Obviously, as with most post-structural French theory, this is the actual interpreted as an expression of a cherished hyperabstraction (and not, as with empirically minded American thought, the other way around). But that said, it is to my mind certainly as plausible as the detonation theory. And somehow more compelling.

MEMORIALS OF THE DAY:

Jack Palance. R.I.P. He shat bigger than all of us. Actually, of all his memorable roles, the one lodged most indelibly in my mind is his portrayal as a cock sure American Film Producer in Godard's "Contempt." His absurd degree of self-confidence contrasts with the French wirter/director's self-doubt in such a way as to inspire the film's titular emotion in his wife--played with unforgettably erotic langour by Brigitte Bardot.

Ed Bradley. Loved the earing. Loved the relaxed, no nonsense 60s-style counselor/therapist manner he had with his interview subjects. As if they were old friends and he was genuinely interested. The presence of genuine interest (or at least the artful and convincing simulation thereof) really put to shame the crude transparent careerism and artlessness of most tele-journalists. My only story relevant to him was they he used to work out in a gym near where I used to work. I remember 2 women from my office complaining that he was a lecherous old fuck who would just stare at them while they were working out. At the time, I thought "Good for him! It's great that a guy that old still has that kind of interest." Of course, as I reflect on it now I have the uncomfortable realization that, at the time, he was only a couple of years older than I myself am now.

Adrienne Shelley. The initial reports of a suicide simply didn't make sense. Terribly tragic that it turned out to be a murder. Really loved her in those Hal Hartley movies, "Trust" and "The Unbelievable Truth."

DANGLING DESCRIPTOR OF THE DAY:

Between the seemingly banal and the seemingly profound....

BLOW TO THE IDEA OF HUMAN RATIONALITY OF THE DAY:

The truth is that I care more about the performance of my NBA fantasy hoops team with about $100 on the line than about my stock portfolio with all of my life savings on the line.

OBSERVATION OF THE DAY #2:

NBA fantasy rotisserie sports stuff combines almost everything guys like: Sports, stats, gambling, competition and extended periods of sitting in front of a screen being passive. It's like the perfect storm of male desire. Only the need for food and sex could get a man away from the computer or the TV. Although come to think of it, with Internet porn and takeout, not even that. Arguably quite sad. But I know some guys that consider it quite beautiful. And that of course, is arguably even sadder.

RENAMING ACT OF THE DAY:

Williamsburg should be renamed Forever 23. Or simple District 23. Because it perfectly captures the angst and promise of life right after college.

EAVESDROPPING INCIDENT OF THE DAY:

Overheard in the bookstore in Williamsburg.

-You're a painter, right?
-Oh, yes. But for me it's a learned, constructed position. There is no innocence. Or genuine talent. Or naive expressivity. I paint in defiance of the myth of artistic creativity.
-Cool.

OBSERVATION OF THE DAY #3:

The function of bars is to help people meet and perhaps hook-up. Liquor certainly helps in that connection. But does mind-numbingly loud music? Clearly the near ubiquity of said thudding in bar culture today reflects an absence of confidence in the capacity of human beings to generate the kind of discourse that's conducive to romantic affiliation. This is a sad comment on the art of conversation and the state of charm in our culture. Instead deafeningly loud music pulses through the spaces that witty repartee or intelligent verbal exchange might otherwise fill. It is a pre-emptive attack on the powers of language and thought--and on human software in general.

But, come to think of it: given the state of discourse and thought in our society, I can't say it's a bad business decision on the part of the bar owners.

QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"I don't know which is worse: How stupid the Bush administration is or how stupid they think we are?"

UNINTENDED COMEDY OF THE DAY:

Saddam Hussein suddenly saying--after his conviction: "Let's all forgive. Let's shake hands and forgive."

I expect an Onion headline "Saddam opposes capital punishment."

A friend remarks that we can't kill Saddam Hussein because he is one of our only true bona fide comic geniuses.

PARADOXICAL GRAFFITI OF THE DAY:

I'm here and I'm real.

IRAQ GOOD NEWS OF THE DAY:

A few things: First, they don't need to hear anything about Brittney and K-Fed and Tomkat. And they no longer have to hear anything from Donald Rumsfeld. But best of all: Maybe Saddam Hussein will make a last minute execution day Hypothetical Confession. Now THAT would be authenticitudinacious!

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Posted on 11/18/2006 ( Permanent Link )
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