CELEBRATING THE LEAST PRODUCTIVE DAY OF THE YEAR

CELEBRATING THE LEAST PRODUCTIVE DAY OF THE YEAR:

Today is the start of the NCAA basketball tournament. With people watching and betting online in offices across America (if they’re not out at a bar watching and drinking), this first day of March Madness is usually considered the least productive day in the American workplace. (Estimates have the tourney costing $3.8 Billion in productivity today.). But in this case, tomorrow is sure to put an even bigger hurt on the Gross National Product. Not only does it feature the second half of the March Madness opening round, but it’s also St, Patty’s Day and an end of winter Friday! In short, the anti-productivity trifecta. I’ve been doing my part to fight the acute decline in productivity in the American workplace today by spending the last few hours at my job writing this blog.

Hell with dirty nuclear bombs: Al Qaeda could take this economy down by sponsoring more sports tourneys and drinking related holidays.

QUESTION OF THE DAY:

I asked my friend and neighbor at work, "What is it about spring that just makes you want to clean?" And he responded, "What is it about winter that makes you just want to not clean?" I thought it was noteworthy because it's rare for a non Jew to answer a question with a question.

UNDER-REPORTED BUSH RELATED SCANDAL OF THE DAY:

Concerning Claude Allen--Bush’s domestic policy advisor who inexplicably stepped down in February. This is why...

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1172159,00.html

POLL OF THE DAY: (A new interactive feature!)

If someone has a long goatee-like pointed beard that you're tempted to use like a leash to pull him around, which is the better term to describe it?

a) "Bearsh"
b) "Goateash?"

DESCRIPTIVE METAPHOR OF THE DAY:

My aforementioned friend and neighbor at work voted for answer (b), based on the fact that while "goateash" at least bore recognizeable traces of both "Goatee" and "Leash", "bearsh" did not. In fact, as he memorably put it, "bearsh sounds like a car wreck of German cuisine and drinking. "

TRUISM OF THE DAY:

No one has ever got into shape by meaning to go to the gym.

WHINY, SPILLED-MILK GRIEVANCE OF THE DAY:

My grievance is with the New Yorker's back page cartoon contest. There have been some lame picks lately. At least I've thought so. For example, last week's cartoon shows a guy sitting with no shirt on in an airplane filled with normally dressed people. He may very well have no clothes on at all, as his crotch area is covered by the fold down meal table. He is lifting a glass of wine to his mouth as he turns to his neighbor and utters a comment. The finalists were “She gives me free drinks if I leave the table down.”, “I only pack what I definitely need.” And “I’m sure I have a business card on me somewhere.” The last option is funny, but doesn’t match the expression on the characters' faces. My submission (rejected, hence my whiny grievance) was “I’ve gotta stop going to Vegas.” I thought this was pretty funny because it gave the visual some backstory, some silly context. And also because I liked the weird self-referentiality of sending in a Vegas-related caption under the name of Teddy Vegas. Anyhow, please give me a reality check. Let me know if mine is better or if I’m just deluded and tripping on ego juice. Net net: I just don't want to lose in the timeless struggle for the dominant quip!

INVENTIONS (PATHS TO IMMORTALITY) OF THE WEEK:

I invented a new game: Speed Pool. You break and then go around trying to clear the table of balls as quickly as possible. I randomly instituted the rule that you had to wait until the balls came to a complete stop before shooting the next shot. I suspect letting the competitor shoot the cue ball while it (or the target ball for that matter) was still moving wouldn’t necessarily help much anyway. Anyhow, it was really, addictively fun. The three of us who were playing all cleared the table in somewhere between 4 and 5 minutes. I was the only one who ran from shot to shot in an absurd looking attempt to turn pool into a cardiovascular event. I think anything under about 3 minutes would be really really impressive. Maybe even world class. Anyhow, the point is: you’re reading a blog by the Abner Doubleday of Speed Pool. Impressed. Huh?

Oh, also, the James Naismith of Ultimate Elevator Fighting. Yup. In this product of a mid-day brain fart, the idea is to lock two people in an elevator. In variant 1 (The PG version) , they enter on the first floor of a tall office building and press the button for the top floor. While the elevator is going up, the two competitors wrestle for the position closest to the door…so that they can emerge onto the landing first and, hence, hoist the championship belt. Then the winner puts his belt on the line in the rematch return to the lobby. In the more extreme version of the sport (and the one I suspect has more of a PPV potential), the two agonists are simply locked in the elevator and do battle until one of them is either dead or cries uncle—at which point the elevator is opened and the victor emerges. In both instances, the audience watches the fight over the building security cameras. What’s not to love?

2 timeless sports/games inventions in one week. An underachiever my ass!!!

USE OF OBSCURE PHILOSOPHICAL TERM OF THE DAY:

Gotta give Joan Acocella credit for using the phrase “ding-an-sich” (thing-in-itself) in her New Yorker article about the history of the Playboy Centerfold. To see a Kantian term not only used in the mainstream press but used in the context of boobs, was a double thrill. Much like boobs themselves.

The presence of the Kantian term, got me thinking about the ways I’ve made use of my philosophy degreee from Yale.

USES OF MY PHILOSOPHY DEGREE

1) Helping a friend come up with impressive sounding philosophical references in his ongoing dispute with his pretentiously philosophical landlord. (The dispute, by the way, concerned a sewage-related smell).

2) Helping a friend come up with some philosophical terms to make fun of for an advertising campaign he was working on.

3) Intimidating someone I didn’t like by using the word “aporia” in an argument.

4) Answering a few dozen questions on Jeopardy and Ben Stein’s Money.

SYLLOGISTIC APHORISM OF THE DAY:

The truth hurts. And the truth will set you free. Which explains why there are so many free people walking around in pain.

EUREKA MOMENT OF THE DAY:

Isaiah Thomas is the black Dubya. How? Well, he took both the Toronto Raptors and the CBA team he managed and ran them both into the ground--just like Dubya did with the Texas Rangers. He has a history of leaving every situation he’s been in charge of (from a managerial rather than merely coaching perspective) in disastrous shape. Ditto with the Dubya. And, as evidenced by his the Knicks, Isaiah, like Dubya, is an enthusiastic practitioner of deficit spending. On the other hand, Isaiah certainly speaks a little better than Dubya. And his dribble-drive penetration is vastly superior.

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Posted on 3/16/2006 ( Permanent Link )
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